SCIENTIFIC
METHODS OF ANGER MANAGEMENT VS. ISLAMIC METHODS
ASSEMBLED BY MALLAM ABBA ABANA,
KUBWA, ABUJA, NIGERIA
http://variousislamicdawadocuments.blogspot.com
https://web.facebook.com/abba.abana
emails:gonidamgamiri@yahoo.com;
abba.abana@gmail.com
SATURDAY 12th OCTOBER 2019 CE – 11th
SAFAR 1441 AH
TEL +2348186961697 (WHATSAPP)
Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu
Was Salaam 'ala Rasulillah. As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu.
Praise be to Allaah; we seek His
help and His forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allaah from the evil of our own
souls and from our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allaah guides will never be led
astray, and whomsoever Allaah leaves astray, no one can guide. I bear witness
that there is no god but Allaah, and I bear witness that Muhammad (Sallalhu
alaihi Wasalam) is His slave and Messenger.
Preamble
One would be surprised to see why the comparison on this subject
matter but those who understand may add value. In human nature, we work in
offices and meet in markets, but our characters and behaviors might be
different in any reaction where we get annoyed or angry with. Here you have Muslims
and non-Muslims having same principles in line with our day to day behavioral
activities. Anyone who spent some years in Lagos, Nigeria would know different cultures
and groups etc.
Therefore, learning to
control anger has social, emotional, and physical benefits. And the
beginning of anger is madness and the end of it is regret, and anger cannot be
justified by offering a humble apology.
Contents of
the article
Scientific Methods of Anger
Management
How Can I Control My Anger?
Tips To Tame Your Temper:
1. Think Before You Speak
2. Once You're Calm, Express Your Anger
3. Get Some Exercise
4. Take a Timeout
5. Identify Possible Solutions
6. Stick with 'I' Statements
7. Don't Hold a Grudge
8. Use Humor to Release Tension
9. Practice Relaxation Skills
10. Know When to Seek Help
Methods of Anger Management:
a)
Controlling Anger
b) Recognizing
Anger
Islamic Methods of Few Selected
Anger Management:
1)
How Can One Avoid Getting Angry
Quickly?
2)
Dealing with a Bad Temper
3)
Bad-Tempered Wife
4)
Hot Tempered Child
5)
Wife Complaining of Husband’s
Mistreatment
6)
Complaining to Husband about
Relatives
PART 1
SCIENTIFIC
METHODS OF ANGER MANAGEMENT
HOW CAN I
CONTROL MY ANGER?
Anger is a natural, healthy emotion. However, it can arise
out of proportion to its trigger. In these cases, the emotion can impede a
person’s decision-making, damage relationships, and otherwise cause harm.
Learning to control anger can limit the emotional damage.
Anger is a common response to frustrating or threatening
experiences. It can also be a secondary response to sadness, loneliness, or
fear. In some cases, the emotion may seem to arise from nowhere.
Feeling angry often and to an extreme degree can impact
relationships and a person’s psychological well-being and quality of life.
Suppressing and storing up anger can also have a damaging and lasting impact.
The journal CNS Spectrums reported in 2015 that 7.8% of people in the United States
experienced “inappropriate, intense, or poorly controlled” anger. This was more
common among adult males.
Tools and techniques can help people come to terms with
anger triggers and respond to these in more healthy ways.
Keeping your temper in check can be challenging. Use simple
anger management tips — from taking a timeout to using "I" statements — to stay in control.
Do you fume when someone cuts you off in Lagos traffic? Does
your blood pressure rocket when your child refuses to cooperate? Anger is a
normal and even healthy emotion — but it's important to deal with it in a
positive way. Uncontrolled anger can take a toll on both your health and your
relationships.
TIPS TO TAME
YOUR TEMPER
1. Think
before you speak
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll
later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying
anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.
2. Once you're
calm, express your anger
As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration
in an assertive but no confrontational way. State your concerns and needs
clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.
3. Get some
exercise
Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you
to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run,
or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.
4. Take a
timeout
Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks
during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time
might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting
irritated or angry.
5. Identify
possible solutions
Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving
the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the
door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the
evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that
anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse.
6. Stick with
'I' statements
To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only
increase tension — use "I"
statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example,
say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the
dishes" instead of "You never do any housework."
7. Don't hold
a grudge
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other
negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself
swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can
forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and
strengthen your relationship.
8. Use humor
to release tension
Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help
you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations
you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings
and make things worse.
9. Practice
relaxation skills
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work.
Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a
calming word or phrase, such as "Take it easy." You might also listen
to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to
encourage relaxation.
10. Know when
to seek help
Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at
times. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes
you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.
METHODS OF ANGER
MANAGEMENT
Catching anger before it reaches full rage is key to
managing it effectively.
Anger management involves a range of skills that can help
with recognizing the signs of anger and handling triggers in a positive way.
It requires a person to identify anger at an early stage and
to express their needs while remaining calm and in control.
Managing anger does not involve holding it in or avoiding
associated feelings.
Coping with anger is an acquired skill — almost anyone can
learn to control the feelings with time, patience, and dedication.
When anger is negatively affecting a relationship, and
especially if it is leading to violent or otherwise dangerous behavior, a
person may benefit from consulting a mental health professional or attending an
anger management class.
However, there are initial, immediate techniques to try.
Some people find that they can resolve these issues without seeking
professional assistance.
CONTROLLING
ANGER
Mind, a major mental health, identifies three main steps for
controlling anger:
1. Recognize the early signs of anger.
2. Give yourself time and space to process the triggers.
3. Apply techniques that can help you control the anger.
Recognizing
anger
In the moment, anger can be difficult to stop in its tracks.
However, detecting the emotion early can be key. It can allow a person to
redirect their thought process to a more constructive place.
Anger causes a physical reaction in the body. It releases
adrenaline, the “fight-or-flight” hormone that prepares a person for conflict
or danger.
PART 2
ISLAMIC
METHODS OF FEW SELECTED ANGER MANAGEMENT
HOW CAN ONE
AVOID GETTING ANGRY QUICKLY?
Question
I am a person who gets angry quickly, and I cannot control
myself when I argue with anyone, even my parents. Please tell me of ways and
means of avoiding getting angry quickly. May Allaah reward you with good.
Answer
Praise be to Allah.
Allaah has commanded us to honour our parents and treat them
kindly in word and deed, and he has forbidden us to offend them in word and
deed, even in the slightest manner.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And your Lord has decreed that you
worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them
or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of
disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.
24. And lower unto them the wing of
submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your
Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.’”[Holy Quran al-Isra’ 17:23-24]
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
advised us not to get angry, i.e., to avoid the causes that lead to that and to
be careful of what may result from that.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased
with him) that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him): “Advise me.” He said: “Do not get angry.” He repeated his question
several times and he said: “Do not get angry.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5765.
The Muslim should be above getting angry for his own sake or
for the sake of anyone other than Allaah, because that may lead to regrettable
consequences either in this world or in the Hereafter, or in both.
Ibn Muflih al-Hanbali said:
‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
It may be known whether a person is really patient at the time of anger. And he
used to say that the beginning of anger is madness and the end of it is regret,
and anger cannot be justified by offering a humble apology. Calamities may come
because of anger. It was said to al-Shu’bi: Why is a person who is quick to get
angry also quick to calm down, and the one who is slow to get angry is slow to
clam down. He said: Because anger is like fire; that which is easier to start
is easier to extinguish.
Al-Adaab al-Shar’iyyah, 1/183
If something happens to a Muslim that makes him angry, he
should remember the advice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him): “Do not get angry,” as if the hadeeth applies directly to him. And he
should remember that Allaah has commanded him to treat his parents well and has
forbidden him to offend them, as if he has heard that from Him directly.
There are means of soothing anger if it arises, which will
enable the one who does them to cure himself of anger and its effects.
Al-Maawirdi mentioned a good number of them when he said:
“Remember that there are means of soothing anger if it
arises, which a person may use to help himself become patient. These include:
1 – Remembering Allaah, which should make him fear Him; this
fear will motivate him to obey Him, so he will resume his good manners, at
which point his anger will fade.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And remember your Lord when you forget”[ Holy Quran al-Kahf
18:24]
‘Ikrimah said: i.e., when you get angry. And Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning):
“And if an evil whisper comes to you from Shaytaan (Satan),
then seek refuge with Allaah”[ Holy Quran al-A’raaf 7:200]
i.e., if the Shaytaan makes you angry – then seek refuge
with Allaah, for He is the All-Hearer, All-Knower – i.e., He hears the
ignorance of the ignorant and He knows the things that take anger away from
you.
One of the wise men said: Whoever remembers the power of
Allaah will not use his own power to wrong the slaves of Allaah. ‘Abd-Allaah
ibn Muslim ibn Muhaarib said to Haroon al-Rasheed: “O Ameer al-Mu’mineen, I ask
You by the One before Whom you are more insignificant than I am before you, and
by the One Who has more power to punish you than you have to punish me: why
don’t you let me off?” So he left him off, because he had reminded him of the
power and might of Allaah.
2 – He should get out of the situation he is in, so that his
anger will dissipate because of his moving away from that situation.
It was narrated that Abu Dharr said: The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to us: “If one of you gets
angry when he is standing, let him sit down, and if that does not take away his
anger, then let him lie down.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 4782; classed as saheeh
by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.
3 – He should remember what anger leads to of regret and the
need to apologize.
One of the literary figures said: Beware of the pride of
anger, for it leads to the humiliation of apology.
4 – He should remember the reward for forgiving others and
of being tolerant, so he should force himself to overcome his anger, seeking
that reward and so as to avoid deserving blame and punishment. Raja’ ibn Haywah
said to ‘Abd al-Malik ibn Marwaan, when he had the power to capture some of his
enemies: “Allaah has given you the victory that you wanted, so give Allaah what
He wants of forgiveness.” A man said something that ‘Umar ibn ‘Abd al-‘Azeez
disliked to hear, so ‘Umar said: “You wanted the Shaytaan to provoke me because
of my position so that I would be harsh with you and in return you would harm
me tomorrow (i.e., on the Day of Resurrection). Go away, may Allaah have mercy
on you.”
5 – He should remind himself of the way that people like and
respect him, and he should not risk losing that because of his anger, so that
people change their minds about him. He should know that by forgiving people he
will only increase the respect with which they view him.
As the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) said: “Allaah will not increase a person who forgives others except
in honour.” Narrated by Muslim, 2588.
And one of the poets said:
“It is not a trait of nobility to be swift in seeking
revenge.
And generosity does not lead to a loss of blessings.”
Adab al-Dunya wa’l-Deen, p. 258-260.
For more details on how to deal with anger, see the answer
to question no. 658.
And Allaah is the Source of strength.
Source: Islam Q&A,
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/45647/how-can-one-avoid-getting-angry-quickly
DEALING WITH A
BAD TEMPER
Question
I have a bad temper, if I get mad or upset, I move away from
the situation, when I was standing I would sit down, when I was sitting I would
lie down, and I have recited the "darood" and "laholawallah
kuwatta", but to no avail.
How does one control their temper then?
Answer
Praise be to Allah.
Anger is one of the evil whispers of Shaytaan, which leads
to so many evils and tragedies, of which only Allaah knows their full extent.
For this reason Islam has a great deal to say about this bad characteristic,
and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) described cures for
this "disease" and ways to limit its effects, among which are the
following:
(1) Seeking refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan:
Sulayman ibn Sard said: "I was sitting with the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and two men were slandering one
another. One of them was red in the face, and the veins on his neck were
standing out. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, ‘I
know a word which, if he were to say it, what he feels would go away. If he
said "I seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan," what he feels
(i.e., his anger) would go away.’" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath,
6/337)
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: "If a man gets angry and says, ‘I seek refuge with Allaah,’ his
anger will go away." (Saheeh al-Jaami’ al-Sagheer, no. 695)
(2) Keeping silent:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent."
(Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/329; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 693,
4027).
This is because in most cases, the angry person loses self-control
and could utter words of kufr/disbelief (from which we seek refuge with
Allaah), or curses, or the word of divorce (talaaq) which would destroy his
home, or words of slander which would bring him the enmity and hatred of
others. So, in short, keeping silent is the solution which helps one to avoid
all that.
(3) Not moving:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him
sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie
down."
The narrator of this hadeeth (report) is Abu Dharr (may
Allaah be pleased with him), and there is a story connected to his telling of
it: he was taking his camels to drink at a trough that he owned, when some
other people came along and said (to one another), "Who can compete with Abu
Dharr (in bringing animals to drink) and make his hair stand on end?" A
man said, "I can," so he brought his animals and competed with Abu
Dharr, with the result that the trough was broken. [i.e., Abu Dharr was
expecting help in watering his camels, but instead the man misbehaved and
caused the trough to be broken]. Abu Dharr was standing, so he sat down, then
he laid down. Someone asked him, "O Abu Dharr, why did you sit down then
lie down?" He said: "The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: . . ." and quoted the hadeeth. (The hadeeth and
this story may be found in Musnad Ahmad, 5/152; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, no.
694).
According to another report, Abu Dharr was watering his
animals at the trough, when another man made him angry, so he sat down . . .
(Fayd al-Qadeer, al-Manaawi, 1/408)
Among the benefits of this advice given by the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is the fact that it prevents the
angry person from going out of control, because he could strike out and injure
someone, or even kill - as we will find out shortly - or he could destroy
possessions and so on. Sitting down makes it less likely that he will become
overexcited, and lying down makes it even less likely that he will do something
crazy or harmful. Al-’Allaamah al-Khattaabi, may Allaah have mercy on him, said
in his commentary on Abu Dawud: "One who is standing is in a position to
strike and destroy, while the one who is sitting is less likely to do that, and
the one who is lying down can do neither. It is possible that the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told the angry person to sit down
or lie down so that he would not do something that he would later regret. And
Allaah knows best." (Sunan Abi Dawud, with Ma’aalim al-Sunan, 5/141)
(4) Following the advice of the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him):
Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that
a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him),
"Advise me." He said, "Do not become angry." The man
repeated his request several times, and each time the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) told him, "Do not become angry."
(Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Bari, 10/456)
According to another report, the man said: "I thought
about what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, and I
realized that anger combines all kinds of evil." (Musnad Ahmad, 5/373)
(5) Do not become angry and Paradise will be yours (a saheeh
(authentic) hadeeth, see Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7374. Ibn Hijr attributed it to
al-Tabaraani, see al-Fath 4/465):
Remembering what Allaah has promised to the righteous
(muttaqeen) who keep away from the causes of anger and struggle within
themselves to control it, is one of the most effective ways of extinguishing
the flames of anger. One of the ahaadeeth that describe the great reward for
doing this is: "Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the
means to act upon it, Allaah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of
Resurrection." (Reported by al-Tabaraani, 12/453, see also Saheeh
al-Jaami’, 6518).
Another great reward is described in the Prophet’s words:
"Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon
it, Allaah will call him before all of mankind on the Day of Resurrection, and
will let him choose of the Hur al-’Iyn whoever he wants." (Reported by Abu
Dawud, 4777, and others. It is classified as hasan (sound) in Saheeh al-Jaami,
6518).
(6) Knowing the high status and advantages offered to those
who control themselves:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) said: "The strong man is not the one who can overpower others
(in wrestling); rather, the strong man is the one who controls himself when he
gets angry." (Reported by Ahmad, 2/236; the hadeeth is agreed upon). The
greater the anger, the higher the status of the one who controls himself. The
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The strongest
man is the one who, when he gets angry and his face reddens and his hackles
rise, is able to defeat his anger." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, 5/367, and
classified as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3859)
Anas reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) passed by some people who were wrestling. He asked,
"What is this?" They said: "So-and-so is the strongest, he can
beat anybody." The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said, "Shall I not tell you who is even stronger than him? The man who,
when he is mistreated by another, controls his anger, has defeated his own
shaytaan and the shaytaan of the one who made him angry." (Reported by
al-Bazzaar, and Ibn Hijr said its isnaad is saheeh. Al-Fath, 10/519)
(7) Following the Prophet’s example in the case of anger:
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is
our leader and has set the highest example in this matter, as is recorded in a
number of ahaadeeth. One of the most famous was reported by Anas, may Allaah be
pleased with him, who said: "I was walking with the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and he was wearing a Najraani
cloak with a rough collar. A Bedouin came and seized him roughly by the edge of
his cloak, and I saw the marks left on his neck by the collar. Then the Bedouin
ordered him to give him some of the wealth of Allaah that he had. The Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) turned to him and smiled, then
ordered that he should be given something." (Agreed upon. Fath al-Baari,
10/375)
Another way in which we can follow the example of the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is by making our anger for
the sake of Allaah, when His rights are violated. This is the kind of anger
which is praiseworthy. So the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) became angry when he was told about the imaam who was putting people off
the prayer by making it too long; when he saw a curtain with pictures of
animate creatures in ‘Aa’ishah’s house; when Usaamah spoke to him about the
Makhzoomi woman who had been convicted of theft, and he said "Do you seek
to intervene concerning one of the punishments prescribed by Allaah?";
when he was asked questions that he disliked, and so on. His anger was purely
for the sake of Allaah.
(8) Knowing that resisting anger is one of the signs of
righteousness (taqwaa):
The righteous (al-muttaqoon) are those praised by Allaah in
the Qur’aan and by His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
Paradise as wide as heaven and earth has been prepared for them. One of their
characteristics is that they (interpretation of the meaning) "spend (in
Allaah’s Cause) in prosperity and in adversity, [they] repress anger, and
[they] pardon men; verily, Allaah loves al-muhsinoon (the good-doers)." [Holy
Quran Aal ‘Imraan 3:134]
These are the ones whose good character and beautiful
attributes and deeds Allaah has mentioned, and whom people admire and want to
emulate. One of their characteristics is that (interpretation of the meaning)
". . . when they are angry, they forgive." [Holy Quran al-Shooraa
42:37]
(9) Listening to reminders:
Anger is a part of human nature, and people vary in their
anger. It may be difficult for a man not to get angry, but sincere people will
remember Allaah when they are reminded, and they will not overstep the mark.
Some examples follow:
Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that a
man sought permission to speak to ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased
with him), then he said: "O son of al-Khattaab, you are not giving us much
and you are not judging fairly between us." ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased
with him) was so angry that he was about to attack the man, but al-Hurr ibn
Qays, who was one of those present, said: "O Ameer al-Mu’mineen, Allaah
said to His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) (interpretation
of the meaning): ‘Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the
foolish’ [al-A’raaf 7:199]. This man is one of the foolish." By Allaah,
‘Umar could go no further after al-Hurr had recited this aayah to him, and he
was a man who was careful to adhere to the Book of Allaah. (Reported by
al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, /304).
This is how the Muslim should be. The evil munaafiq
(hypocrite) was not like this when he was told the hadeeth of the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and one of the Companions said to
him, "Seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan." He said to the one
who reminded him, "Do you think I am crazy? Go away!" (Reported by
al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 1/465). We seek refuge with Allaah from failure.
(10) Knowing the bad effects of anger:
The negative effects of anger are many; in short they cause
damage to one’s own self and to others. The angry person may utter words of
slander and obscenity, he may attack others (physically) in an uncontrolled
manner, even to the point of killing. The following story contains a valuable
lesson:
‘Ilqimah ibn Waa’il reported that his father (may Allaah be
pleased with him) told him: "I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) when a man came to him leading another man by
a rope. He said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, this man killed my brother.’ The
Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked him, ‘Did
you kill him?’ He said, ‘Yes, I killed him.’ He asked, ‘How did you kill him?’
He said, ‘He and I were hitting a tree to make the leaves fall, for animal
feed, and he slandered me, so I struck him on the side of the head with an axe,
and killed him.’ . . ." (Reported by Muslim, 1307, edited by al-Baaqi).
Anger could lead to less than killing, such as wounding and
breaking bones. If the one who caused the anger runs away, the angry person
turns his anger in on himself, so he may tear his clothes, or strike his
cheeks, or have a fit, or fall unconscious, or he may break dishes and plates,
or break furniture.
In the worst cases, anger results in social disasters and
the breaking of family ties, i.e., divorce. Ask many of those who divorced
their wives, and they will tell you: it was in a moment of anger. This divorce
results in misery for the children, regret and frustration, a hard and
difficult life, all as a result of anger. If they had remembered Allaah, come
to their senses, restrained their anger and sought refuge with Allaah, none of
this would have happened. Going against the sharee’ah (Islamic law) only
results in loss.
The damage to health that results from anger can only be
described by doctors, such as thrombosis, high blood pressure, tachycardia
(abnormally rapid heartbeat) and hyperventilation (rapid, shallow breathing),
which can lead to fatal heart attacks, diabetes, etc. We ask Allaah for good
health.
(11) The angry person should think about himself during
moments of anger:
If the angry person could see himself in the mirror when he
is angry, he would hate himself and the way he looks. If he could see the way
he changes, and the way his body and limbs shake, how his eyes glare and how
out of control and crazy his behaviour is, he would despise himself and be
revolted by his own appearance. It is well-known that inner ugliness is even
worse than outer ugliness; how happy the Shaytaan must be when a person is in
this state! We seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan and from failure.
(12) Du’aa’ (Supplication):
Du’aa’ is always the weapon of the believer, whereby he asks
Allaah to protect him from evil, trouble and bad behaviour and seeks refuge
with Him from falling into the pit of kufr (disbelief) or wrongdoing because of
anger. One of the three things that can help save him is: being fair at times
of contentment and of anger (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3039). One of the du’aa’s of the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was:
"O Allaah, by Your knowledge of the Unseen and Your
power over Your creation, keep me alive for as long as You know life is good
for me, and cause me to die when You know death is good for me. O Allaah, I ask
You to make me fear You in secret and in public, and I ask You to make me speak
the truth in times of contentment and of anger. I ask You not to let me be
extravagant in poverty or in prosperity. I ask You for continuous blessings,
and for contentment that does not end. I ask You to let me accept Your decree,
and for a good life after death. I ask You for the joy of seeing Your face and
for the longing to meet You, without going through diseases and misguiding
fitnah (trials). O Allaah, adorn us with the adornment of faith and make us
among those who are guided. Praise be to Allaah, the Lord of the Worlds."
Source: Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/658/dealing-with-a-bad-temper
BAD-TEMPERED
WIFE
Question
As-salaamu-alaikum,
I have a wife who is very temperamental.
She often gets angry with me, the children and many of our family members.
I have spoken to her on many
occasions and she admits & then apologises thereafter. Is there something,
from the Quraan or Hadith, that I may read for her to be relaxed/calm and as
far as possible for this not to happen to her. Other than this, she is a
wondeful wife & mother.
Answer
Praise be to Allah.
You will find a detailed answer to
this question in the book “Problems and Solutions”, which you can read on this
website under the heading “"shaykh Wa Hulool",
’s books”, and in the answer to
Question #658. The fact that your wife apologizes indicates that she recognizes
and regrets her mistakes, which is the first step towards solving the problem.
Remind her of her position in the household and that she is an example to the
children, and warn her that her children may copy her bad behaviour and it may
become part of their personalities, thus perpetuating the problem. Try to
contain her by your patience. Your acknowledgement that she is a good wife and
mother reminds me of the hadeeth of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him): “No believing man should hate a believing woman; if he hates one
of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Reported by Muslim,
2672). Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his commentary on this
hadeeth: “I.e., he should not hate her, because although he may find in her one
characteristic which he dislikes, he will find something that pleases him.
Although she may be ill-tempered, she may also be religious or beautiful or
chaste or kind towards him or something like that.” We ask Allaah to guide your
wife and make her character good. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad?
Source: Sheikh Muhammed Salih
Al-Munajjid
Islam Q&A 3171
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/658/dealing-with-a-bad-temper
HOT
TEMPERED CHILD
Question
I have a son who is very hot
tempered. How can I deal with this characteristic?
Answer
Praise be to Allaah.
The issue of dealing with anger has
already been discussed. Please see question no. 658. Means of dealing with
anger include the following:
·Seeking refuge with Allaah from the
accursed Shaytaan.
·Keeping quiet.
·Calming down; if you are standing,
you should sit down; if you are sitting, you should lie down.
·Remembering the reward for
restraining anger, as it says in the saheeh hadeeth (authentic prophetic
narration): “Do not get angry and Paradise will be yours.”
·Understanding the high status of
one who controls himself, as it says in the saheeh hadeeth: “Whoever restrains
his anger, Allaah will cover his faults. Whoever controls his fury – even if he
is able to show it – Allaah will fill his heart with hope on the Day of
Resurrection.” (Classed as hasan/sound by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah
al-Saheehah, 906).
·Learning what the Prophet’s (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) teachings are concerning anger.
·Knowing that controlling anger is
one of the signs of piety, as it says in the hadeeth quoted above.
·Paying attention when reminded,
controlling oneself and following advice.
·Knowing the bad effects of anger.
·Thinking about how one is affected
at the moment of anger.
·Praying that Allaah will remove
this resentment from one's heart.
There follows a lovely story which
will help you to deal with the child whose problem you mention:
There was a boy who was always
losing his temper. His father gave him a bag full of nails and said to him, “My
son, I want you to hammer a nail into our garden fence every time you need to
direct your anger against something and you lose your temper.”
So the son started to follow his
father’s advice. On the first day he hammered in 37 nails, but getting the
nails into the fence was not easy, so he started trying to control himself when
he got angry. As the days went by, he was hammering in less nails, and within
weeks he was able to control himself and was able to refrain from getting angry
and from hammering nails. He came to his father and told him what he had
achieved. His father was happy with his efforts and said to him: “But now, my
son, you have to take out a nail for every day that you do not get angry.”
The son started to take out the
nails for each day that he did not get angry, until there were no nails left in
the fence.
He came to his father and told him
what he had achieved. His father took him to the fence and said, “My son, you
have done well, but look at these holes in the fence. This fence will never be
the same again.” Then he added: “When you say things in a state of anger, they
leave marks like these holes on the hearts of others. You can stab a person and
withdraw the knife but it doesn’t matter how many times you say ‘I’m sorry,’
because the wound will remain.
Source: Islam Q&A, 21357
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/21357/hot-tempered-child
WIFE
COMPLAINING OF HUSBAND’S MISTREATMENT
Question
My husband and I have been married
for almost 5 years, and we have very young children. My love for my husband has
greatly decreased since we got married, because of his behaviour. He has a very
bad temper, which he has no control over. When something makes him angry, he
hits me. It cannot be called beating, and he never hits me on the face, but he
hits me hard enough to leave a mark. This has happened many times in our marriage,
but it is not every day. We are aware of the three steps that Allah has told
the husband to follow in such situations but, as I said, my husband has no
control over his anger. This is what is causing the problem. I have borne my
husband’s anger with patience up to this time, which I do sometimes out of
love, but also out of fear. Because of this prolonged situation I have become
afraid of him. I feel resentment towards my husband which is causing more
problems because my husband does not like the way I talk to him, because I have
lost patience and feel that I am being treated unfairly. He has hit me many
times in front of the kids, and even when I have been holding them. The older
child is starting to copy his father and act out his anger on me. What can I do
to stop his behaviour (please don’t say not to make him angry), apart from more
patience? What can I do with this resentment that I feel towards him? I have
tried to forgive him but my heart has been hurt too many times. His behaviour
and my bad feelings are tearing our marriage apart. Allah knows best if we
should stay together or not. And if we stay together, what is the best way to
stop this behaviour and this cycle of bad feelings?
Answer
Praise be to Allaah,
There is no doubt that the problem
you have described is very sad and painful. First of all let me say that there
is no alternative to turning to Allah, for He is the One Who makes a way out of
every difficult situation. The following are a few points of advice:
· Your husband needs someone to
advise him - look around for a suitable person to do this.
· Avoid making him angry (although
you asked me not to say this, I cannot avoid giving this advice). Again, avoid
making him angry as much as you can.
· Whoever sees the problems of
others will see his or her own problem in perspective. There are husbands who
beat their wives on the face, and injure them and break their bones; some kick
their wives out of the house in the middle of the night and lock them out;
others do not give their wives a penny, and even take their money and jewelry;
some eat outside the house and never bring food home for their wives and
children, leaving them to beg from their neighbors; others drink alcohol, take
drugs, and bring prostitutes to the house. Some do not recognize Allah at all;
they do not even know the direction of the qiblah. I myself have dealt with
these and other cases involving the problems suffered by wives; these examples
are not made up. Perhaps looking at the problems of others and putting things
into perspective will offer some consolation and make you feel better.
· Think about your husband’s
positive aspects - his religion or his relationship with you or his spending,
or the fact that he does not hit you on the face, and so on. Perhaps this will
help to reduce your negative feelings towards him.
· Remember that what you are
suffering is a test, one of the trials that Allah decrees for whomever He wills
in this life, to see how people will behave. So face it with patience and the
hope of earning reward. The Prophet (Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon
Him) said: "How wonderful is the situation of the believer, for everything
is good for him, and this applies only to the believer. If something good
happens to him, he gives thanks for it, and this is good for him; if something
bad befalls him, he bears it with patience, and this is also good for
him." (reported by Muslim, may Allah have mercy on him, in al-Saheeh, no.
2999).
· Think about the tragedy of divorce
and what would happen to the family in this case. A wise woman may put up with
something bad in order to avoid something even worse, because some evils are
less than others.
· Write him a letter, reminding him
of the Prophet’s advice concerning women, e.g., ". . . Be kind to women,
for they are your prisoners and you have no rights over them other than that.
If they are guilty of clear immoral misconduct, then avoid them in their beds,
and beat them, but not severely. If they then obey you, do not seek means of
annoying them, for you have rights over your wives and they have rights over
you. Your rights over your wives are that they should not allow anyone you
dislike in your bed, and they should not let anyone whom you dislike enter your
house. Their rights over you are that you should treat them well with regard to
clothing and food." (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, no. 1163; he said: this is a
saheeh hasan hadith.)
· The Prophet (Peace & Blessings
of Allaah be upon Him) said: "Many women have come to the family of
Muhammad, complaining about their husbands. Those (husbands) are not the best
among you. (Reported by Abu Dawud, no. 2146). If he becomes angry and hits you
hard, wait until he calms down, then provoke his pity by saying words such as
"Is this how you treat the mother of your children and the one who is
closest to you?" and showing him the mark left by his blow, so that he can
see with his own eyes what his hand has done. Also, remind him that oppression
is haraam, and that Allah is able to deal with him. Then disappear and leave
him to think things over. In most cases, if the husband has any shred of
decency and real character, and religious sensitivity, he will apologize.
· Some marital problems can only be
resolved with the passage of time, as the number of children increases and they
grow up, and the husband grows to love them even more. This makes the wife more
precious to him too, as he sees her as the one who is bringing up and
protecting his children. As he also increases in maturity and in his
understanding of the realities of life, he will realize the evil of what he has
done and his behaviour will improve, so he will stop doing some of the things
he used to do. Hoping for improvement is a good thing: people live on hope.
· Supplication (du‘aa’) is the
refuge of the believer. How many times, I wonder, have you prayed to Allah to
reform your husband? Persist in du‘aa’ and seek ways of making Allah respond.
I ask Allah to improve your
situation and to guide you both.
Source: Sheikh Muhammed Salih
Al-Munajjid
Islam Q&A, 482,
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/482/wife-complaining-of-husbands-mistreatment
COMPLAINING
TO HUSBAND ABOUT RELATIVES
Question
Is the following backbiting; mother
talking about her son to another son or sister / wife talking to husband about
her sister/brother and real brothers talking about other real brothers?
Answer
Praise be to Allah.
Backbiting (gheebah) is a bad characteristic
which Allah and His Messenger have forbidden. Allah says (interpretation of the
meaning):
“And spy not, neither backbite one
another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would
hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allah. Verily, Allah is the One Who
forgives and accepts repentance, Most Merciful.” [49:12]
It was reported from Abu Hurayrah
(may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah
be upon him) said:
“The Muslim is the brother of
another Muslim; he does not betray him, lie to him or forsake him. The whole of
the Muslim is sacred to his fellow Muslim – his honour, his wealth and his
blood. Taqwa (piety) is here (in the heart). It is sufficient evil for a man to
despise his brother.” [Muslim, al-Tirmidhi].
It was reported that Anas (may Allah
be pleased with him) said: the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah
be upon him) said: “When I was taken up into the heavens (the M’iraj), I passed
by some people who had nails of copper with which they were scratching their
faces and chests. I said, ‘Who are these people, O Jibreel?’ He said, ‘These
are the ones who used to eat the flesh of the people and slander their
honour.’” [ al-Bukhaari, Abu Dawood].
With regard to the meaning of
gheebah (backbiting), it was reported from Abu Hurayrah that the Messenger of
Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Do you know what
gheebah is?” They said: Allah and His Messenger know best. He said, “(It is)
when you mention something about your brother that he does not like.” It was
said, What do you think if what I say about my brother is true? He said, “If it
is true then you are backbiting against him and if it is not true then you are
slandering him.” [Muslim, al-Tirmidhi]. Gheebah means mentioning something
about your brother in his absence and saying something that he does not like to
have said about him, with the intention of mocking him or making fun of him.
But if you say something about him
in his absence to someone who can offer him advice so that he will advise him,
or you are asking for help from someone who you hope will have an influence on
him so that he will stop doing some evil action or sin that he has fallen into,
and thus bring him back to the straight path – this is not gheebah. For
example, if a wife talks to her husband or her son about another of her sons so
that he can advise him, this is not gheebah.
Similarly, if you speak about your
brother or someone else to his guardian or to someone who is able to stop him
from doing wrong – with the intention of voicing a grievance and asking for
help, or because he has taken something from you unlawfully and you want to
demand your rights from the guardian of the one who took what is rightfully
yours, such as when a man complains about his brother to his father if he has
mistreated him or taken something that belongs to him, in order to have his
rights restored to him, or complaining to a ruler or judge of unfair treatment
– this is not gheebah.
Al-Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on
him) said in his commentary on Saheeh Muslim:
“But gheebah (speaking about a
person in his absence) is permissible if it is for some legitimate
(shar’i/prescribed) purpose, which includes six reasons:
The first is complaining about
unjust treatment: it is permissible for a person who has been mistreated to
complain to the ruler or judge, or other people who have the authority or power
to deal with the person who has mistreated him. He can say, so and so
mistreated me, or, he did such and such to me.
The second is seeking help to change
some evil action, and bring a sinner back to the right path: so he may say to
the person who he hopes can help: so and so is doing such and such, so try to
stop him, and so on.
The third is seeking a religious
ruling or fatwa: whereby a person may say to the Mufti (scholar): so and so –
or my father, or my brother, or my husband – has treated me unjustly by doing
such and such; does he have the right to do that? How can I deal with this and
protect myself from his mistreatment etc.? This is permissible in cases of
need. It is preferable to say in the case of a man or a husband or a father or
a son that someone did such and such [i.e., describe it indirectly], but naming
names is permissible, because of the hadeeth (report) of Hind who said (to the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him): Abu Sufyan is a stingy man.
The fourth is warning the Muslims
against some evil: this may take various forms, such as mentioning the faults
of narrators, witnesses and authors. This is permissible by scholarly
consensus. Indeed, it is obligatory, in order to protect the sharee’ah (Islamic
law). It also includes describing faults when one is consulted [about a person,
for a serious reason such as business, marriage, etc.], and speaking up if one
sees someone buying faulty goods or a slave who steals or commits zina
(adultery) or drinks wine etc. – he should mention that to the would-be
purchaser if he does not know about it. This is by way of sincere advice, not
to cause harm or offence or corruption. Also, if you see a seeker of knowledge
frequently visiting a person who is immoral or who follows innovations, and
taking knowledge from him, and you fear that he may be harmed, you must advise
him by explaining the situation to him, with the aim of offering sincere
advice. If you see a person in a position of authority which he cannot
discharge properly because he is not qualified for it or because he is corrupt,
you should tell whoever has authority over him and explain what he is really
like so that he will not be deceived by him and so that he will discipline him
– this is not gheebah, and it is obligatory to put things right.
The fifth is if a person is openly
committing immoral deeds or following bid’ah (innovation): such as drinking
wine, confiscating people’s property unlawfully, collecting extortionate taxes,
being in charge of illegal activities etc. It is permissible to speak of what
he is doing openly, but it is not permissible to speak of other things except
for another reason.
The sixth is for the purposes of
identification: if a person is known by a nickname such as al-A’amash
(rheumy-eyed), al-A’araj (lame), al-Azraq (blue), al-Qaseer (short), al-A’ama
(blind), al-Aqta’a (missing a limb) etc., this is permissible for purposes of
identification, but it is haram (impermissible) to use such names for the
purpose of belittling a person, and if it is possible to identify them by using
other words, this is better. And Allah knows best.”
But if there is no useful purpose to
be served by speaking about a person, or if the aim is to make fun of him or
expose him, this is gheebah and is not permitted.
And Allah knows best.
Source: Sheikh Muhammed Salih
Al-Munajjid
Islam Q&A, 7660
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/7660/complaining-to-husband-about-relatives
References
and sources
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/482/wife-complaining-of-husbands-mistreatment
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/21357/hot-tempered-child
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/658/dealing-with-a-bad-temper
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/658/dealing-with-a-bad-temper
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/45647/how-can-one-avoid-getting-angry-quickly
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/7660/complaining-to-husband-about-relatives
www.helpguide.org
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