SHOULD A MAN
LISTEN TO HIS WIFE'S SUGGESTIONS AND CONSULT HER ABOUT MATTERS?
ASSEMBLED BY
MALLAM ABBA ABANA, KUBWA, ABUJA, NIGERIA
http://variousislamicdawadocuments.blogspot.com
https://web.facebook.com/abba.abana
emails:gonidamgamiri@yahoo.com;
abba.abana@gmail.com
THURSDAY 10 AUGUST
2017 CE AND 18 DHUL QADA 1438 AH
Bismillah
Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam 'ala Rasulillah. As-Salaam Alaikum
Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu. Praise be to Allaah; we seek His help and His
forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allaah from the evil of our own souls and from
our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allaah guides will never be led astray, and
whomsoever Allaah leaves astray, no one can guide. I bear witness that there is
no god but Allaah, and I bear witness that Muhammad (Sallalhu alaihi Wasalam) is
His slave and Messenger.
QUESTION AND ANSWER SESSION
QUESTION:
I wish to know
something regarding the way women should be handled. Are men supposed to take
advice or suggestions from women? I ask this question because I think that
women advise and suggest from emotions and heart rather than their minds. I
want to know to what level does a man listens to his wife?
ANSWER:
Praise be to
Allaah. Allaah says, enjoining kindness towards one's wife: "and live with
them honourably" (Q4[al-Nisa]: 19) And the Prophet (sallallaahu alayhi wa
sallaam) said: "And treat women with kindness, and treat women with
kindness." (Muslim).
And he said:
"The best of you is the one who is best to his womenfolk, and I am the
best of you to my womenfolk. " (Saheeh al-Jaami). Undoubtedly consulting
ones wife, listening to her advice and accepting it is part of living with them
honourably and treating them with kindness. It softens her heart and makes her
feel that she is playing a role in the family and that she is responsible for
her family, especially if the man finds that his wife has wisdom and common
sense, and has intuition, and she does not jump to conclusions or let herself
be swayed by emotions.
Moreover, the
benefits to be gained by consulting ones wife and accepting her opinion, or not
doing so, may vary according to the topic concerning which the wife is being
consulted and asked for her opinion: is her emotional nature going to affect
her view on this matter or not? It may also vary according to the nature of
each of the spouses and how much wisdom and common sense each of them has. If
the husband thinks that it makes sense to reject her opinion or he thinks that
her view is mistaken, he has to be kind in the way in which he rejects her
opinion or advice, and he should not accuse her of being silly or say that her
opinion is worthless, and he should explain to her what is correct, as much as
he can.
Umm Salamah Al
Hudaybiyah Look at the story of al-Hudaybiyah and what happened there, then you
will understand the value of consulting a wise and smart woman. When the
Prophet (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallaam) made a treaty with Quraysh and agreed
to go back, and not enter Makkah that year, he said to his companions:
"Get up and offer your sacrifices." But not a single man among them
got up, until he had said that three times. When no one got up, he entered upon
Umm Salamah and told her what had happened with the people.
Umm Salamah (RA)
said: "O Prophet of Allaah, is that what you want? Go out and do not speak
a word to anyone of them until you have slaughtered your sacrifice and called
your barber to shave your head." When he did that, they got up and offered
their sacrifices. AI-Haafiz ibn Hajar (RAH) said: This points to the virtue of
consultation, and that it is permissible to consult a virtuous wife. Also think
about the story of Moosa (alayhis sallaam), and how Allaah caused him to be
raised in the house of Pharaoh, and how much blessing there was in the advice
of Aasiya, the wife of Pharaoh (RA), of whom Allaah says: "And the wife of
Firawn (Pharaoh) said: A comfort of the eye for me and for you. Kill him not,
perhaps he may be of benefit to us, or we may adopt him as a son. And they
perceived not (the result of that)" (Q28[al- Qasas]:9)
In the same soorah
there is the story of the two women at the well of Midyan, and how one of them
said to her father: "O my father! Hire him! Verily, the best of men for
you to hire is the strong, the trustworthy" (Q28[al-Qasas]:26) Look at how
wise she was, and how she knew who was the best qualified to be hired and
entrusted with work, and what a great blessing this advice brought to her
family. And Allaah is the Source of strength.
IT IS PERMISSIBLE TO CONSULT WOMEN AND
FOR WOMEN TO EXPRESS THEIR OPINION IN THE LIGHT OF WHAT THEY THINK IS CORRECT
QUESTION
Are women not
allowed to voice their opinion in Islam? Are they required to quietly obey and
follow everything a man says? Are women not allowed to question if we see
something better can be done?
This is regarding
working in Islamic organizations where sometimes the leadership of the man is
questionable but then women are told to stay silent and do not question
leadership. I understand women are not in the position to lead in Islam, but
sometimes the men are doing a bad job at it and refuse to listen to our
opinion, saying it is against Islam to question.
Therefore, please
explain if a woman is not allowed to question.
ANSWER
It is permissible
for a woman to express her opinion and for her advice to be sought, as is
indicated by several reports, including what happened during the story of
al-Hudaybiyyah. When the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)
made a peace deal with Quraysh, agreeing to go back and not enter Makkah that
year, he said to his companions: “Get up and offer your sacrifices.” The
narrator said: By Allah, not one man among them got up, until he had said that
three times. When not one of them got up, he entered upon Umm Salamah and told
her how the people had reacted. Umm Salamah said: O Prophet of Allah, do you
want them to do that? Go out and do not say a word to any one of them, until
you sacrifice your camel and call your barber to shave your head. When he did
that, they got up and offered their sacrifices.
Al-Haafiz Ibn
Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said, commenting on this report:
This indicates
that it is permissible to consult a righteous woman.
End quote from
Fath al-Baari by Ibn Hajar (5/347)
Al-Khattaabi said
in Ma‘aalim as-Sunan (2/333): The fact that the Messenger of Allah (blessings
and peace of Allah be upon him) accepted the advice of Umm Salamah to go ahead
and slaughter his sacrifice and shave his head indicates that it is permissible
to consult women and accept their advice, if their suggestions are correct. End
quote.
Ibn Battaal said in
his commentary on Saheeh al-Bukhaari (8/133): This indicates that it is
permissible to consult women of virtue and wisdom. End quote.
Ibn al-Jawzi said
in Kashf al-Mushkil min Hadith as-Saheehayn (4/58):
With regard to the
Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) consulting Umm
Salamah and accepting her advice, this indicates that it is permissible to act
upon the advice of women. End quote.
The Holy Quran
gives an example of a woman who was given authority and wisdom, and how she
managed her own affairs and the affairs of her people well. This is something
that is not given to many men. This woman was Balqees, whose wise thinking led
her to give up shirk (ascription of partners to Allah) and enter Islam. Allah,
may He be exalted, tells us of her story with Sulaymaan in the passage
(interpretation of the meaning):
“She said: ‘O
chiefs! Verily! Here is delivered to me a noble letter,
‘Verily! It is
from Sulaymaan (Solomon), and verily! It (reads): In the Name of Allah, the
Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful;
‘Be you not
exalted against me, but come to me as Muslims (true believers who submit to
Allah with full submission).’
She said: ‘O
chiefs! Advise me in (this) case of mine. I decide no case till you are present
with me.’
They said: ‘We
have great strength, and great ability for war, but it is for you to command;
so think over what you will command.’
She said: ‘Verily!
Kings, when they enter a town (country), they despoil it, and make the most
honourable amongst its people low. And thus they do.
‘But verily! I am
going to send him a present, and see with what (answer) the messengers return.’
So when (the
messengers with the present) came to Sulaymaan (Solomon), he said: ‘Will you
help me in wealth? What Allah has given me is better than that which He has
given you! Nay, you rejoice in your gift!’
(Then Sulaymaan
(Solomon) said to the chief of her messengers who brought the present): ‘Go
back to them. We verily shall come to them with hosts that they cannot resist,
and we shall drive them out from there in disgrace, and they will be abased.’
He said: ‘O
chiefs! Which of you can bring me her throne before they come to me
surrendering themselves in obedience?’
An Ifreet (strong)
from the jinns said: ‘I will bring it to you before you rise from your place
(council). And verily, I am indeed strong, and trustworthy for such work.’
One with whom was
knowledge of the Scripture said: ‘I will bring it to you within the twinkling
of an eye!’ then when (Sulaymaan (Solomon)) saw it placed before him, he said:
‘This is by the Grace of my Lord to test me whether I am grateful or
ungrateful! And whoever is grateful, truly, his gratitude is for (the good of)
his own self, and whoever is ungrateful, (he is ungrateful only for the loss of
his own self). Certainly! My Lord is Rich (Free of all wants), Bountiful.’
He said: ‘Disguise
her throne for her that we may see whether she will be guided (to recognise her
throne), or she will be one of those not guided.’
So when she came,
it was said (to her): ‘Is your throne like this?’ She said: ‘(It is) as though
it were the very same.’ And (Sulaymaan (Solomon) said): ‘Knowledge was bestowed
on us before her, and we were submitted to Allah (in Islam as Muslims before
her).’
And that which she
used to worship besides Allah has prevented her (from Islam), for she was of a
disbelieving people.
It was said to
her: ‘Enter As-Sarh’ ((a glass surface with water underneath it) or a palace),
but when she saw it, she thought it was a pool, and she (tucked up her clothes)
uncovering her legs, Sulaymaan (Solomon) said: ‘Verily, it is Sarh ((a glass
surface with water underneath it) or a palace) paved smooth with slab of
glass.’ She said: ‘My Lord! Verily, I have wronged myself, and I submit (in
Islam, together with Sulaymaan (Solomon), to Allah, the Lord of the ‘Aalameen
(mankind, jinns and all that exists).’”
[an-Naml
27:29-44].
Al-Qurtubi (may
Allah have mercy on him) gave a brilliant discussion of the wisdom of this
woman, and her good management of her people’s affairs and her conduct, in his
Tafseer (13/194-207) where he says:
She used good
manners with her people and consulted them concerning her affairs, and she told
them that she always sought their advice in every new matter that arose, as she
said: “I decide no case till you are present with me.” So how about with this
major decision that she needed to take? The chiefs gave her a response that
delighted her, as they pointed out to her that they had great strength, and
great ability for war, but then they left the matter for her to decide. This
was a good exchange on the part of all sides.
This verse
indicates that such consultation is valid. Allah, may He be exalted, said to
His Prophet (interpretation of the meaning): “and consult them in the affairs”
[Aal ‘Imraan 3:159]. As for what may be achieved by that, it is either seeking
the help of other people’s views, or it is a way for the ruler to show respect
to prominent figures. Allah, may He be exalted, praises people of virtue by
saying (interpretation of the meaning): “… and who (conduct) their affairs by
mutual consultation” [ash-Shoora 42:38].
With regard to the
words (of the chiefs), “but it is for you to command; so think over what you
will command”, what is meant is that they left the matter for her to decide as
she saw fit, after confirming that they were indeed people of great strength
and great ability for war. Once they did that, she told them what kings do to
cities when they invade them. These words were a reflection of her fear for her
people and her desire to err on the side of caution; they also implied that
Sulaymaan (peace be upon him) was a man to be reckoned with.
Her words “‘But
verily! I am going to send him a present, and see with what (answer) the
messengers return’” are indicative of her proper way of thinking and her proper
conduct. What she meant was: I want to test him by sending him a gift and
giving him treasures of wealth. If he is like any other king, he will be happy
with this wealth, and we will deal with him on that basis. But if he is a
prophet, he will not be pleased with this wealth and he will insist that we
follow him in his religion, in which case we will have no choice but to believe
in him and follow his religion. So she sent him a great and valuable gift, the
details of which the commentators spent much time discussing.
“and see” that is,
wait to find out, “with what (answer) the messengers return” – Qataadah said:
May Allah have mercy on her, for she was indeed a wise woman, both after she
became Muslim and when she was still a mushrik (polytheist). She knew that
gifts have a great impact on people…
This is indicative
of the mature thinking and great wisdom that Balqees possessed and that
ultimately led her to believe in Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, and to
submit to Him in Islam, and to acknowledge the reprehensible nature of what she
had been following of polytheism, as she said: “‘My Lord! Verily, I have
wronged myself, and I submit (in Islam, together with Sulaymaan (Solomon), to
Allah, the Lord of the ‘Aalameen (mankind, jinns and all that exists).’”
The Prophetic way
indicates that it is permissible for a woman to ask about what she does not
understand, and to ask for proof if need be. Al-Bukhaari (103) narrated from
Abu Mulaykah that if ‘Aa’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) heard something
that she did not understand, she would ask about it until she understood it.
The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Whoever is
brought to account will be punished.” ‘Aa’ishah said: I said: Doesn’t Allah,
may He be glorified and exalted, say (interpretation of the meaning): “He
surely will receive an easy reckoning” [al-Inshiqaaq 84:8]? He said: “That
refers to the time of presentation before Allah. But whoever is subjected to a
discussion of his account, will be doomed.”
Badr ad-Deen
al-‘Ayni said in ‘Umdat al-Qaari Sharh Saheeh al-Bukhaari (2/138):
This highlights
the virtue of ‘Aa’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) and her keenness to
learn and understand. The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be
upon him) did not show any impatience when she asked him questions. End quote.
It was narrated
that ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allah be pleased with him) forbade the people
to give too much in dowries. When he came down from the minbar, a woman from
Quraysh intercepted him and said to him: Have you not heard what Allah revealed
in the Qur’an?
He said: What is
that?
She said: Have you
not heard that Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “…and you have given
one of them a Cantar (of gold i.e. a great amount) as Mahr …” [an-Nisa’ 4:20]?
‘Umar said: May
Allah forgive me; all the people have more understanding than ‘Umar. Then he
ascended the minbar and said: I had forbidden you to do such and such, but now
whoever wishes to give whatever he wants of his wealth may do so. He said:
Whoever is happy to do that, let him do so.
Ibn Katheer (may
Allah have mercy on him) said: Its isnaad is jayyid qawiy.
There is a
difference of opinion and a well-known debate concerning the authenticity of
this story. See al-Mataalib al-‘Aaliyah by al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar, no. 1566, and
the notes of the commentators on its isnaads.
So there is no
blame on a woman if she discusses, debates, points out any mistakes she
notices, and asks for proof, so long as that is done within the limits of
Islamic etiquette that is required of people in general, and provided that it
is done within the limits of dignity and proper conduct.
Men should listen
to women’s opinions and accept them if it is clear that they are correct.
Wisdom is the lost property of the believer; wherever he finds it, he has more
right to it.
However we advise
women – and likewise men who think that their bosses at work have made mistakes
– not to hasten to object and point out mistakes, until they ask and find out,
then they may express their views after that.
At the same time,
managers and bosses should listen to the views of their employees and not get
impatient if they ask a lot of questions. The Prophet (blessings and peace of
Allah be upon him) did not get impatient when ‘Aa’ishah (may Allah be pleased
with her) asked him questions, as we have seen above.
Finally, we should
point out that there are some reports in some books of hadith which indicate
that it is not permissible to follow the advice of a woman, and that it is
obligatory for men to go against them. But all of these are flimsy reports that
are to be rejected.
Shaykh al-Albaani
(may Allah have mercy on him) said in Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth ad-Da‘eefah
wa’l-Mawdoo‘ah wa Atharuha as-Sayyi’ fi’l-Ummah (1/619):
“There is no basis
for the report “Seek their – i.e., women’s – advice, and go against it.” End
quote.
He also said (op.
cit., 1/623): The report “Obeying a woman will lead to regret” is mawdoo‘
(fabricated).
And he said (op.
cit., 1/625): The report “Men are destroyed when they obey women” is da‘eef
(weak).
Then, after
discussing its chain of narration, he said: … In conclusion, the hadith with
this wording is weak, because of the weakness of its narrator, who made a
mistake in it.
Moreover, the
meaning is not correct at all. It is proven in the story of the peace treaty of
al-Hudaybiyyah, in Saheeh al-Bukhaari, that Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased
with her) suggested to the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him),
when his companions refused to slaughter their sacrifices, that he (blessings
and peace of Allah be upon him) should go out, and not say a word to any one of
them, until he sacrificed his camel and shaved his head. So he (blessings and
peace of Allah be upon him) did that, and when his companions saw that, they
got up and offered his sacrifices. This shows us that the Prophet (blessings
and peace of Allah be upon him) listened to the advice of Umm Salamah and
complied with it. This indicates that the hadith (“Men are destroyed when they
obey women”) is not to be understood as applicable to all women. Similarly, the
hadith “Seek their (women’s) advice then go against it” has no basis, as
mentioned above. End quote.
And Allah knows
best.
SOURCES
Islam Q&A,
https://islamqa.info/en/240804
dawahnigeria, This
article was culled from the publications of Deen Communication Limited
https://islamqa.info/en/36748.
