FAMILY
AFFAIRS, PROBLEMS AND THE STATUS OF THE FAMILY IN ISLAM
(Part
20 of 20)
20.0 CONFLICT
BETWEEN SPOUSES
Question
As Salaamu Alaikum: A situation arose last week between
myself, my wife and her daughter. Her daughter is now 20 years old with her own
child but still resides in the home with us. I said something to my wife that
made her upset with me so she became very foul mouthed and ignorant with her
behavior even though there were none Muslims in the home. She approached me in
an ill manner and i just lightly mushed her in the face and started laughing.
The next thing i know she is punching me and kicking me. I grabbed her so she
would not hit me in my face anymore, that's when her daughter got into it and
started hitting me in the head. I Kept my head and did not become upset. Then
her daughter called the police and they came and questioned everyone and took
down a report. My wife has not shown any remorse about the behavior of her
daughter and acts as thou it was ok for her child to act in that manner. At the
present time I am not in the same house with them. And i really don't want to
go back there. But i truly care a lot for my wife and tries to strive with her
in the way it is prescribed for us in the Quran and Sunnah. She only listens to
Quran and Sunnah when there is no anger in her heart. This is a situation that
has left my heart weak. Living true Islam is all that I am striving for. Please
assist me in this matter.
As Salaamu Alaikum
Answer
Praise be to Allaah.
It should be noted that one of the main reasons that cause
problems between spouses, and that could cause these problems to escalate to a
very bad level is a lack of knowledge of the rights which each partner has over
the other.
Islam states these rights clearly, and urges and obliges
each partner to fulfil them, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their
husbands) over them, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them
[al-Baqarah 2:228]. This aayah indicates that for every right that one partner
has, there is a corresponding duty which the other partner must fulfil; thus
balance will be achieved in all aspects of the relationship, which will
strengthen the stability of family life. Ibn Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with
them both) said concerning this aayah: It is their (womens) right to good
companionship and proper treatment on the part of their husbands, and their
duty to obey and do what their husbands tell them to do. Ibn Zayd said: Fear
Allaah with regard to them (wives) just as they should fear Allaah with regard
to you. Al-Qurtubi said: This aayah covers all the rights and duties within
marriage.
One of those rights is that trivial mistakes should be
overlooked, especially words and deeds by which no harm was intended. Anas ibn
Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Every son of Adam makes mistakes,
and the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent.
(Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2501; Saheeh al-Jaami, 4/171).
Both husband and wife have to be patient and put up with one
another, because everyone makes mistakes, and the one with whom you have to be
most patient is the one with whom you live and interacts with most. Neither
party should resort to tit-for-tat reactions. If one spouse sees that the other
is very angry, he or she should restrain his or her own anger, and not respond
immediately. For this reason Abul-Darda said to his wife: If you see me angry,
calm me down, and if I see you angry, I will calm you down, otherwise it will
be too difficult to live together. The imaam of Ahl al-Sunnah, Imaam Ahmad (may
Allaah have mercy on him) married Abbaasah
bint al-Mufaddal, the mother of his son Saalih, and he used
to say of her: Umm Saalih lived with me for twenty years, and we never argued
over the slightest thing.
One of the most important rights/duties is that each spouse
should advise and remind the other to obey Allaah. It is reported in a saheeh
hadeeth that a group of the Sahaabah asked the Prophet SAWS (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him): Teach us which kind of wealth is best, so
that we may try to acquire it? He said: The best is a remembering tongue (one
that remembers Allaah), a grateful heart and a believing wife who helps ones
faith.
(Reported by Ahmad, 5/278; al-Tirmidhi, 3039; Saheeh
al-Jaami, 5231).
A man should not make his wife angry if he sees in her
something that he dislikes, because if he dislikes one of her characteristics,
he will like another, so he should balance the two. The Prophet SAWS (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: No believing man should hate a believing
woman: if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will like another.
(Reported by Muslim, 36). Samurah (may Allaah be pleased
with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said: Woman was created from a rib, and if you try to straighten a rib you
will break it, so deal with her gently. (Reported by Ahmad, 5/8; Ibn Hibbaan,
1308; Saheeh al-Jaami, 2/163).
One of the best ways to ensure a good atmosphere between
husband and wife is a good attitude, hence Islam placed an important emphasis
on this matter. The Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
was the ultimate in good treatment of others and good attitude. Abul-Darda
reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
There is no good deed that will be put in the balance that will weight heavier
than a good attitude. The one who has a good attitude will reach, because of
it, the level of those who fast and pray.
(Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2003; Abu Dawood, 4799). Abu
Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: The most perfect of the believers in
faith are the best in attitude, and the best of you are those who are best to
their womenfolk. (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1/217; Ahmad, 2/250; Al-Silsilat
al-Saheehah, 284).
Some of the ways in which one can treat ones wife well are
to turn a blind eye and not to pick on things, great or small, and not to
rebuke or scold for every single incident, except in the case of duties towards
Allaah. This is how Allaah guides us in the Quraan, when He says
(interpretation of the meaning):
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا
يَحِلُّ لَكُمۡ أَن تَرِثُواْ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرۡهً۬اۖ وَلَا تَعۡضُلُوهُنَّ
لِتَذۡهَبُواْ بِبَعۡضِ مَآ ءَاتَيۡتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأۡتِينَ
بِفَـٰحِشَةٍ۬ مُّبَيِّنَةٍ۬ۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِۚ فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ
فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـًٔ۬ا وَيَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيۡرً۬ا ڪَثِيرً۬ا
(١٩)
and live with them (women)
honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah
brings through it a great deal of good. [Holy Quran Chapter al-Nisa 4:19]. If
a woman disobeys her husband and refuses to obey him, he has the right to
discipline her as prescribed by shareeah. Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning):
ٱلرِّجَالُ
قَوَّٲمُونَ عَلَى
ٱلنِّسَآءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ ٱللَّهُ بَعۡضَهُمۡ عَلَىٰ بَعۡضٍ۬ وَبِمَآ أَنفَقُواْ
مِنۡ أَمۡوَٲلِهِمۡۚ فَٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتُ قَـٰنِتَـٰتٌ حَـٰفِظَـٰتٌ۬ لِّلۡغَيۡبِ
بِمَا حَفِظَ ٱللَّهُۚ وَٱلَّـٰتِى تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ
وَٱهۡجُرُوهُنَّ فِى ٱلۡمَضَاجِعِ وَٱضۡرِبُوهُنَّۖ فَإِنۡ أَطَعۡنَڪُمۡ فَلَا
تَبۡغُواْ عَلَيۡہِنَّ سَبِيلاًۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّ۬ا ڪَبِيرً۬ا (٣٤)
Men are the protectors and
maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other,
and because they (spend) to support them) from their means. Therefore the
righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allaah and their husbands) and guard
in the husbands absence what Allaah orders them to guard (e.g., their chastity,
their husbands property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see
ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and
last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience,
seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High,
Most Great. [Holy Quran Chapter al-Nisa 4:34].
This aayah indicates that the husband has the right to
discipline his wife when she disobeys his orders or rebels against him, and
that this discipline takes a step-by-step approach which may reach the level of
hitting, within certain conditions. Al-Qurtubi (may Allaah have mercy on him)
said: Know that Allaah does not command hitting in His Book in clear terms
except in this passage and with regard to the prescribed punishments (hudood),
so disobedience to husbands is equated with major sins, and Allaah has given
the task (of disciplining) to husbands, instead of leaders, and without the
need for judges, witnesses or evidence, because Allaah has entrusted wives to
their husbands.
Ill-conduct (nushooz) here refers to disobedience, i.e.,
those on whose part you fear disobedience and rejection of Allaahs command to
obey their husbands. Allaah has made this discipline in stages, as follows:
1. Admonition without forsaking them (refusing to share
their beds) or hitting them. So the woman is reminded of her duty to be a good
companion and treat her husband properly. If gentle admonition and kindly
reminders do not work, then the discipline is taken to the second stage:
2. Forsaking, by turning his back on her in bed or sleeping
in a separate bed. But he should not go to extremes in this by keeping away for
more than four months, which is the period set by Allaah for the one that
swears not to approach his wife. This forsaking should only be for the purposes
of disciplining and correcting, not for taking revenge or punishing.
3. Hitting in a manner that is not painful, because Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning): beat them (lightly, if it is useful),.
Ibn Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: Forsake her in her bed, and
if she mends her ways (this is good), but if not, then Allaah has given
permission for you to hit her in a way that is not painful. The husband must be
careful to ensure that his hitting is for the purpose of discipline and
warning, and not for any other purpose, so he must make sure that he hits as
lightly as possible, by prodding with the fist and so on. Ata said: I said to
Ibn Abbaas: What is the hitting that is not painful? He said, The siwaak
(tooth-stick) and so on. (i.e., hitting with the siwaak).
The Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said, advising his ummah: Fear Allaah with regard to women, for you have taken
them as a trust from Allaah and they are lawful to you by the word of Allaah.
Your rights over them are that they should not allow anyone to sit on your beds
whom you dislike, so if they do that then hit them in a way that is not
painful.
(Saheeh hadeeth). The husband should avoid hitting parts of
the body that are sensitive, such as the head and stomach, and the face,
because the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade
hitting the face in general. Muaawiyah ibn Haydah (may Allaah be pleased with
him) said: I said, O Messenger of Allaah, what are the rights of the wife of
any one of us over us? He said, That you feed her as you feed yourself and
clothe her as you clothe yourself, and that you do not say May Allaah make your
face ugly or hit her i.e., in the face. (Reported by Abu Dawood, 2/244; Ibn
Maajah, 1850; Ahmad, 4/446).
If she desists, and stops rebelling, then he is not allowed
to keep punishing her or to accuse her of saying or doing anything, as Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning): but if they return to obedience, seek not
against them means (of annoyance).
With regard to your particular situation, we do not know all
the details or the reason why you hit your wife or why she and her daughter
attacked you. But we do understand that you are the one who started it, you
started by hitting her then you made her angry by laughing at her, which is
when the mistake on her part and that of her daughter occurred. What we advise
you to do is to let your wife come back to you and go back to living together
in one home. You should advise your wife to admit that she has made a mistake,
and explain to her the seriousness what she has done by disobeying you, hitting
you back and encouraging her daughter to misbehave towards you as you
mentioned. This girl must understand that she is a guest in the home of her
mother’s husband and she has to respect the one who has given her refuge in his
home. If her presence is making things more complicated and causing more
problems, then you must come to some agreement with them for the girl to move
to her own home. Seek the help of Allaah, have patience and treat your wife
well. We ask Allaah to help you all and create love between your hearts. May
Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
Source: Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid; Islam Q&A,
2076
21. HOW TO RAISE
AND DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN BY IBN AL-JAWZI (D. 597H)
THE best of discipline is that which is done at a young age.
If a child is left to his own characteristics and he or she matures into an
adult possessing those characteristics, changing the person would be difficult.
A poet said:
“If you straighten the branches they will straighten up,
But wood does not soften if you amend it.
Discipline benefits children gradually,
But it will not benefit those who have aged.”
Being perseverant in discipline is important, particularly
with regard to children, as it benefits them and doing good becomes a habit.
A poet said:
"Do not neglect disciplining a child,
Even if he complains of the pain of exhaustion."
Know that a doctor considers the age of the patient, as well
as his place and time before prescribing the medicine best suited for him.
Likewise, discipline should be suited to each child, and
signs of the success or failure of a child can be noticed from a very early
age.
A man once told Sufyan al-Thawri, "We hit our children
if they do not pray." Sufyan told him, “Rather, you should encourage them
and tell them about the reward.”
Zubayd al-Yafi used to tell young boys, "Whoever prays
will have five walnuts."
Ibrahim ibn Adham said, “O son! Seek knowledge of hadith. I
will give you one dirham for every hadith that you hear.” On account of this,
the boy started to seek the knowledge of hadith.
Taking Care Of
The Trust
A Father (and mother) should know that his child is a trust
placed in his hands. He should make sure the child avoids bad company from a
young age. He should teach him to do good, for a child's heart is empty and
accepts anything that is given to it.
The father (and mother) should also instil the love of hayaa
(modesty / shyness) and generosity. He should tell him stories of the
righteous, and keep him away from 'love poetry' because it is a seed of
corruption.
However, he should not prevent poems about generosity or
courage, so the child can exalt these characteristics and becomes courageous.
If the child makes a mistake, the father should overlook.
His teacher should expose his secrets and mistakes, but his father should only
reprimand the child in private.
His father (and mother) should prohibit excessive eating and
excessive sleeping. Instead make the child accustomed to simple food and
minimal sleep, for it is healthier. He should be treated with physical
exercises such as walking and disciplined in proper manners by being prohibited
from turning his back to people and from sneezing and yawning in their
presence.
If he chooses to exhibit an ill characteristic, he should be
deterred from it excessively before it becomes a habit. It is fine to
discipline him if leniency is of no use.
Luqman told his son, “O son! Discipling the son acts as a
fertiliser for sowing seeds.”
If the boy is aggressive, his father (and mother)
should be lenient with him.
Ibn ‘Abbas said, “The aggressiveness of a boy is an increase
in his intelligence.”
The Future Of
Your Child
Wise people used to say:
“Your son is like your flower the first seven years, and
your servant the second seven years. By the time he reaches fourteen, if you
have been good to him, then he will be your partner, and if you have bad to him
then he will be your enemy.”
A child should not be beaten or offended after he reaches
puberty, because he will hope to lose his father in order that he may have his
own way.
Whoever reaches twenty years of age and has not become
righteous, then his godliness is remote; however, leniency should be practiced
with everyone.
– Excerpt from the book 'Disciplining the Soul by Imam Ibn
Jawzi.
