FAMILY AFFAIRS, PROBLEMS AND THE STATUS OF THE FAMILY IN ISLAM (Part 11 of 20)

FAMILY AFFAIRS, PROBLEMS AND THE STATUS OF THE FAMILY IN ISLAM

(Part 11 of 20)

11.0 THE REWARD OF ONE WHOSE CHILD DIES AND HE BEARS THAT WITH PATIENCE & HOW CHILDREN CAN HONOUR THEIR PARENTS

11.1 THE REWARD OF ONE WHOSE CHILD DIES AND HE BEARS THAT WITH PATIENCE

What is the reward parents receive for being patient and thanking Allah, when they have an infant or child die?

Praise be to Allaah.

There are many texts in the Qur’aan and Sunnah which point to the virtue and great reward of those who are patient and state that Allaah will give them reward without measure. This includes everyone who bears with patience any calamity with which he is tested. Undoubtedly the loss of a child is one of the greatest calamities for the one whom it befalls. Whoever bears that with patience and accepts the will and decree of Allaah will have a great reward by the grace and bounty of Allaah. There follow some of these texts, which we hope will be of consolation to you in your time of calamity: 

Allaah says (interpretation of the meanings): 

“And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As- Saabiroon (the patient).

Who, when afflicted with calamity, say:

وَلَنَبۡلُوَنَّكُم بِشَىۡءٍ۬ مِّنَ ٱلۡخَوۡفِ وَٱلۡجُوعِ وَنَقۡصٍ۬ مِّنَ ٱلۡأَمۡوَٲلِ وَٱلۡأَنفُسِ وَٱلثَّمَرَٲتِ‌ۗ وَبَشِّرِ ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ (١٥٥) ٱلَّذِينَ إِذَآ أَصَـٰبَتۡهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ۬ قَالُوٓاْ إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّآ إِلَيۡهِ رَٲجِعُونَ (١٥٦) أُوْلَـٰٓٮِٕكَ عَلَيۡہِمۡ صَلَوَٲتٌ۬ مِّن رَّبِّهِمۡ وَرَحۡمَةٌ۬‌ۖ وَأُوْلَـٰٓٮِٕكَ هُمُ ٱلۡمُهۡتَدُونَ (١٥٧) ۞

 ‘Truly, to Allaah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’ They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones” [Holy Quran Chapter al-Baqarah 2:155-157]

وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ (١٤٦)

“And Allaah loves As-Saabiroon (the patient)”[ Holy Quran Chapter Aal ‘Imraan 3:146] 

قُلۡ يَـٰعِبَادِ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱتَّقُواْ رَبَّكُمۡ‌ۚ لِلَّذِينَ أَحۡسَنُواْ فِى هَـٰذِهِ ٱلدُّنۡيَا حَسَنَةٌ۬‌ۗ وَأَرۡضُ ٱللَّهِ وَٲسِعَةٌ‌ۗ إِنَّمَا يُوَفَّى ٱلصَّـٰبِرُونَ أَجۡرَهُم بِغَيۡرِ حِسَابٍ۬ (١٠)

“Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning”[ Holy Quran Chapter al-Zumar 39:10]

And there are many similar verses. 

There are also many ahaadeeth, including the following: 

Muslim (5318) narrated that Suhayb said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affair is all good, and this applies to no one except the believer. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks and that is good for him, and if something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and that is good for him.” This has to do with the virtues of patience in general. 

There are also ahaadeeth which speak specifically of losing a child. For example: 

Al-Tirmidhi (942) narrated that Abu Sinaan said: I buried my son Sinaan and Abu Talhah al-Khoolaani was sitting at the graveside. When I wanted to go out he took my hand and said, “Shall I not give you some glad tidings, O Abu Sinaan?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Al-Dahhaak ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn ‘Arzab narrated to me from Abu Moosa al-Ash’ari that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When a person’s child dies, Allaah says to His angels, ‘You have taken the child of My slave.’ They say, ‘Yes.’ He says, ‘You have taken the apple of his eye.’ They say, ‘Yes.’ He says, ‘What did My slave say?’ They say, ‘He praised you and said “Innaa lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon (Verily to Allaah we belong and unto Him is our return).’ Allaah says, ‘Build for My slave a house in Paradise and call it the house of praise.’” (Classed as hasan by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 1408) 

It was narrated in al-Saheehayn that there is a special reward for the person whose child dies but he bears that with patience and hopes for reward. It was narrated from Abu Sa’eed (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the women said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Give us a day (to teach us),” So he preached to them and said, “Any woman who loses three of her children, they will be a shield for her against the Fire.” A woman said, “And two?” He said, “And two.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 99; Muslim, 4786) 

According to a report narrated by al-Bukhaari (1292), Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no Muslim who loses three of his children before they reach the age of puberty, but Allaah will admit him to Paradise by virtue of His Mercy towards them.” 

These ahaadeeth explain that if two or more of a person’s children die and he bears that with patience, then he is promised Paradise and salvation from the Fire. 

Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught us a du’aa’ to say at times of calamity, in which there is virtue and great reward. Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (1525) that Umm Salamah said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say, “There is no Muslim who is afflicted with a calamity and says that which Allaah has enjoined, Innaa lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon. Allaahumma ajurni fi museebati wakhluf li khayran minha (Verily to Allaah we belong and unto Him is our return. O Allaah, reward me for my calamity and compensate me with something better than it), but Allaah will compensate him with something better than it.” She said, When Abu Salamah died, I said, who among the Muslims is better than Abu Salamah, the first household to migrate to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)? Then I said these words, and Allaah compensated me with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). 

We ask Allaah to bless you with patience in the face of your loss, and to compensate you with something better. And Allaah knows best. Source: Islam Q&A, 21434

11.2 HOW CHILDREN CAN HONOUR THEIR PARENTS

What forms of ibadah can a child do for his/her parents while they are living and when they have died? Please give examples from the Quran، Sunnah، and practice of the righteous salaf.

Praise be to Allaah.

The rights of parents over their children may be summed up as treating them well in all matters, and behaving with them kindly as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

وَوَصَّيۡنَا ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٲلِدَيۡهِ إِحۡسَـٰنًا‌ۖ

“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents”[ Holy Quran Chapter al-Ahqaaf 46:15]

وَوَصَّيۡنَا ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٲلِدَيۡهِ حُسۡنً۬ا‌ۖ

“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents”[ Holy Quran Chapter al-‘Ankaboot 29:8]

وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰٓ أَن تُشۡرِكَ بِى مَا لَيۡسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلۡمٌ۬ فَلَا تُطِعۡهُمَا‌ۖ وَصَاحِبۡهُمَا فِى ٱلدُّنۡيَا مَعۡرُوفً۬ا‌ۖ وَٱتَّبِعۡ سَبِيلَ مَنۡ أَنَابَ إِلَىَّ‌ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَىَّ مَرۡجِعُكُمۡ فَأُنَبِّئُڪُم بِمَا كُنتُمۡ تَعۡمَلُونَ (١٥)

“but behave with them in the world kindly”[ Holy Quran Chapter Luqmaan 31:15]

Shaykh al-Sa’di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “be dutiful and kind to parents” means: treat them kindly in all ways, in word and in deed. Tafseer al-Sa’di, p. 524.

One of the most important acts of worship that the child is asked to do with regard to his parents is to obey them, to do as they ask and to refrain from what they tell him not to do. So if his father tells him to do something, he hastens to do what he is told, and if he tells him not to do something, he hastens to give it up, so long as that does not involve any disobedience towards Allaah and his Messenger, because there is no obedience to any created being if itinvolves disobedience towards the Creator.

Then he can make du’aa’ for them and pray for forgiveness for them, especially when they grow old and weak and are in need of someone to treat them kindly and take care of their needs. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

24. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young’”[ Holy Quran Chapter al-Isra’ 17:23-24]

Allaah has given examples in His Book of kind treatment of parents. Allaah says of His slave Yahya ibn Zakariyya:

يَـٰيَحۡيَىٰ خُذِ ٱلۡڪِتَـٰبَ بِقُوَّةٍ۬‌ۖ وَءَاتَيۡنَـٰهُ ٱلۡحُكۡمَ صَبِيًّ۬ا (١٢) وَحَنَانً۬ا مِّن لَّدُنَّا وَزَكَوٰةً۬‌ۖ وَكَانَ تَقِيًّ۬ا (١٣) وَبَرَّۢا بِوَٲلِدَيۡهِ وَلَمۡ يَكُن جَبَّارًا عَصِيًّ۬ا (١٤) وَسَلَـٰمٌ عَلَيۡهِ يَوۡمَ وُلِدَ وَيَوۡمَ يَمُوتُ وَيَوۡمَ يُبۡعَثُ حَيًّ۬ا (١٥)

“(It was said to his son): ‘O Yahya (John)! Hold fast the Scripture [the Tawraat (Torah)].’ And We gave him wisdom while yet a child.

13. And (made him) sympathetic to men as a mercy (or a grant) from Us, and pure from sins [i.e. Yahya (John)] and he was righteous,

14. And dutiful towards his parents, and he was neither arrogant nor disobedient (to Allaah or to his parents).

15. And Salaam (peace) be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he will be raised up to life (again)!”[ Holy Quran Chapter Maryam 19:12-15]

Ibn Jareer al-Tabari (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Here Allaah says: “And dutiful towards his parents” meaning that he was quick to obey them, loving towards them, and not disobedient.

“and he was neither arrogant nor disobedient” – here Allaah tells us that he was not too proud to obey Allaah or his parents, rather he was humble and submissive towards Allaah and his parents, doing what he was commanded to and avoiding what was forbidden to him; he neither disobeyed his Lord nor his parents. Tafseer al-Tabari, 16/58

And Allaah said of His slave ‘Eesa ibn Maryam (interpretation of the meaning):

قَالَ إِنِّى عَبۡدُ ٱللَّهِ ءَاتَٮٰنِىَ ٱلۡكِتَـٰبَ وَجَعَلَنِى نَبِيًّ۬ا (٣٠) وَجَعَلَنِى مُبَارَكًا أَيۡنَ مَا ڪُنتُ وَأَوۡصَـٰنِى بِٱلصَّلَوٰةِ وَٱلزَّڪَوٰةِ مَا دُمۡتُ حَيًّ۬ا (٣١) وَبَرَّۢا بِوَٲلِدَتِى وَلَمۡ يَجۡعَلۡنِى جَبَّارً۬ا شَقِيًّ۬ا (٣٢)

“He [‘Eesa (Jesus)] said: ‘Verily, I am a slave of Allaah, He has given me the Scripture and made me a Prophet;

31. And He has made me blessed wheresoever I be, and has enjoined on me Salaah (prayer), and Zakaah, as long as I live.”

32. And dutiful to my mother, and made me not arrogant, unblest’”[ Holy Quran Chapter Maryam 19:30-32]

Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The words “And dutiful to my mother” mean: and He has commanded me to be dutiful to my mother. This is mentioned after obedience to his Lord, because Allaah often mentions the command to worship him and to be dutiful to one’s parents together, as in the verses where He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents”[ Holy Quran Chapter al-Isra’ 17:23]

“give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination”[ Holy Quran Chapter Luqmaan 31:14]

And the words “and made me not arrogant, unblest’” mean, He has not made me arrogant and too proud to worship and obey Him and to honour my mother, and thus be doomed as a result of that. Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 3/121

As for after the parents have died, the child can do many things, such as the following:

1 – If he has wealth, and his parents were in debt, he can discharge their duty by paying off the debt for them.

2 – If he has wealth and his parents had not performed Hajj, he may perform Hajj on their behalf, or pay for someone else to perform Hajj on their behalf.

3 – He may pray for forgiveness for them and pray for mercy for them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young’”[ Holy Quran Chapter al-Isra’ 17:24]

Shaykh Ibn Sa’di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: this means, pray for mercy for them, when they are alive and after they die. Tafseer al-Sa’di, p. 524

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A man may be raised in status in Paradise and will say, Where did this come from? And it will be said: From your son’s praying for forgiveness for you.” Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 3660; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 1617. This applies if the child has reached the age of discernment and is able to earn money. But if the child is young and does not yet understand things, then these words do not apply in his case.

An example of how the righteous salaf honoured their parents is that of ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him):

It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Dinaar from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar that a man from among the Bedouins met him on the road to Makkah. ‘Abd-Allaah greeted him with salaam, seated him on the donkey that he was riding and gave him a turban that he had been wearing on his head. Ibn Dinar said: We said to him: May Allaah guide you, they are just Bedouins and they would be content with little. ‘Abd-Allaah said: The father of this man was a friend of ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab and I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “The best act of kindness is for the son to uphold ties (of friendship) with those who were his father’s friends.” Narrated by Muslim, 2552.

According to another report narrated by Ibn ‘Umar: when he went out to Makkah, he had a donkey which he would ride when he got tired of riding his camel, and a turban which he tied around his head. One day whilst he was riding that donkey, a Bedouin passed by him. He said: Are you not So and so, the son of So and so? He said: Yes. He gave him the donkey that he was riding and said: Ride it. And he gave him the turban that he had been wearing on his head, and he said: Tie it around your head. Some of his companions said: May Allaah forgive you, you have given this Bedouin a donkey that you used to ride when you got tired of riding your camel and a turban that you used to wear on your head. He said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “The best act of kind of kindness is for a man to honour his father’s friend after he has died,” and (this man’s) father was a friend of ‘Umar.

Abu Hurayrah was appointed in charge of Madeenah by Marwaan. He lived in Dhu’l-Hulayfah (approximately ten kilometers from Madeenah) and his mother lived in one house and he lived in another. When he wanted to go out he would stand at her door, and say: Peace be upon you, O my mother, and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings. And she would say: And upon you, O my son, and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings. And he would say: May Allaah have mercy on you, as you brought me up when I was young. And she would say: May Allaah have mercy on you as you took care of me when I grew old. Then when he wanted to come in, he would do likewise.

And Allaah knows best. Source: Islam Q&A, 13783

11.3 DECEASED PARENTS

When a parent passes away remember that you have begun a new phase of birr (dutifulness) to that parent.

Birr after death is the truest and most sincere forms of birr because birr during their lifetime could be tainted with show-off, being polite (as opposed to sincere) and expecting praise from the parents or others. As for after their death, then only Allah hears and sees you.

A deceased parent is in greater need of his/her children - even more than when they the parent was alive. What children do for the parents during the parent's lifetime is for the worldly needs.

But after death only Allah knows what good and bad is in store for the deceased in the grave.

Du'a - i.e., supplication to Allah - for Rahmah (mercy), asking Allah to shower the deceased with His mercy is invaluable for the deceased.

Through the child's Du'a, Allah - with His grace and mercy - enlightens the grave removing the darkness and expands the grave thus removing the suffering. And Allah makes the grave a garden from the gardens of Paradise for the deceased.

Therefore, always remember your deceased parent/s, and always ask Allah to shower them with His mercy, enlighten their grave and expand it.

For example as you are about have a meal think about the many wonderful meals your mother had prepared for you and how she looked after you all your life. Your heart will surely soften and at that point, let it drive you to offer a similar meal to an orphan, widow, divorced or needy person on behalf of your deceased parent, begging of Allah to reward them for it. Give charity on their behalf, recalling the many favours they did for you.

Never forget parents. No matter how harsh they may have been with you, only Allah knows the love they had in their hearts for you.

Remember them in your Du'a during sujood - the prostration - between the adhaan - the call for prayer - and the iqamah - the in-masjid call for prayer just a minute before congregational prayer, and in every act of worship and at all times.

Give charity on their behalf privately, wipe away the tears of orphans, widows and divorced (through charity) on behalf of your parents, quench the thirst of the thirsty on their behalf (by having a well dug, for example).

Go out of your way to be the best child to your parents for they have sacrificed much to raise you. This is the Du'a for parents:

وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرۡحَمۡهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرً۬ا (٢٤)

Rabb-ir-ham-huma kama rabbayaani sagheera {Holy Quran surah 17, verse 24}

Translation: 'My Lord... Bestow thy mercy on my parent/s as they cherished and raised me in my childhood'.

Lastly let us teach our children about this Du'a for one day we all shall need it. --