Avoid 70 Major Sins[1] - Series No 8 of 70
Disrespect To Parents In Islam
Introduction
Sometimes, people compare weak old age to human infancy. They make comparisons about how, when a person grows very old, they need to be helped to sit up, fed mashed, bland food, and cooed and cajoled to eat like babies. Some may need to wear adult diapers at night, if their incontinence reaches an advanced stage.
However, the comparison may not be correct. No matter how hard it is for a new mother to take care of her baby round the clock, with nights providing little sleep and being on-call to change diapers or breastfeed at inopportune times, she has hope that this difficult phase will pass soon and that one day she will see her baby all grown up. She looks forward to the time when her baby will start to walk, talk and play. She knows that her tough initial motherhood duties will eventually lighten up with her baby’s growth and independence.
The thing with the parent-child relationship is that a child’s attachment to his parents is mostly need-based, whereas the love a parent feels for his or her child is selfless and innate – placed into the heart by Allah. It has no bounds.
That’s why parents make tremendous sacrifices for their children. Children in their young age do not even understand, realize, or remember the favors their parents bestow on them. The pains of pregnancy and childbirth, the sleepless nights during infancy, the financial struggles to provide food on the table, the frantic search for jobs with adequate healthcare, and the stress of school admissions and exam preparation – whatever the stress parents go through, children can never fully appreciate them.
However, when children grow up to become adults, they lose patience with their aging parents, who may gradually become weak, senile, and cranky.
It is for this reason that Allah ordered us to be kind with them at this age. We can never really know what they did for us. Everything that we are today, after Allah’s mercy, is because of their hard work and sacrifice. They are the ones who educated us. When we were burning with fever, they stayed up to tend to us. Our whimpers tore their hearts out with agony. But we do not remember all that today. Even if a parent did not do any of this, he or she is still entitled to kind treatment, simply because of the right they have over us as parents.
When our parents become old, we should submit to Allah’s command and never ever rebuke them. Even if our elderly mother knocks away the bowl of food we serve to her, we should not protest. We should think that we probably did that to her countless times as a child, but she cleaned up the mess herself without complaining because her only concern was that her baby was not eating. As for the irritation we feel at their sometimes unfair behavior towards us, we should be patient and hope for Allah’s mighty reward.
2.0 Prohibition of disobeying parents and severance of relations[2]
Abdullah bin `Amr bin Al-`as (May Allah be pleased with them) reported: The Prophet (SAW) said, "(Of the) major sins are: to ascribe partners to Allah, disobey parents, murder someone, and to take a false oath (intentionally)".[Al-Bukhari].
Commentary:
Commentary:
There are many more major sins which have been enlisted and discussed at length by Muhaddathun in independent volumes, such as Az-Zawajir `an iqtraf-al-Kaba'ir, Kitab-al-Kaba'ir by Adh-Dhahabi. This Hadith mentions some of the major sins enumerated by the Prophet (SAW) on a particular occasion. We can also say that the sins mentioned here are some of the most serious among the major sins.
2.1 TAKING CARE OF PARENTS/ RESPECT OF PARENTS
Hazrat Abu Huraira (Radi Allahu anhu) reported Allah's Messenger (on him be peace) as saying, "May he be humbled ; May he be humbled; may he be humbled !" He was asked about whom he was speaking and replied, " The one who having one or both parents live to old age, does not enter Paradise." (Sahih Muslim Shareef)
Every religion and culture agrees about treating the parents respectfully. However the approach of Quran is unique. Whenever Allah (SWT) reminds the people about His obedience and worship, it is usually followed by the guidance about the obedience and respect for the parents, For example in Luqman # 14: Give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination.
We should not forget that just as the rights of Allah (SWT) are obligatory, the rights of people are also important. But among the people, the rights of parents are the foremost. Holy Quran chapter 46 (Al-Ahqaf ) 15-18 
And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, "My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims."
Those are the ones from whom We will accept the best of what they did and overlook their misdeeds, [their being] among the companions of Paradise. [That is] the promise of truth which they had been promised.
But one who says to his parents, "Uff to you; do you promise me that I will be brought forth [from the earth] when generations before me have already passed on [into oblivion]?" while they call to Allah for help [and to their son], "Woe to you! Believe! Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth." But he says, "This is not but legends of the former people" -
Those are the ones upon whom the word has come into effect, [who will be] among nations which had passed on before them of jinn and men. Indeed, they [all] were losers.
Allah (SWT) has ordered and has insisted upon the people to treat the parents with dignity and respect. Among the parents, the mother has more rights than the father for the reason mentioned in above verses. Prophet Mohammad (SAW) said: “Serve your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father, then nearer relatives then those who came after them as relatives.”
Allah (SWT) has indeed given this status of high dignity and respect to every mother for several reasons.
1) She experiences extreme hardship in bearing and in giving birth to the child.
2) She provides pre birth and post birth nourishment to the child.
3) Mostly the woman brings her child up and serves the need of the child day and night.
4) She teaches and trains the child. The psychologists say that the education and training during the first few years of a child’s life is the determining factor in making his future personality. True all great men have great mothers.
Above all, this respect for a mother is mandatory because Allah (SWT) has ordered us so. Unfortunately many mothers misuse this privilege and honor accorded to her by Allah (SWT). Many mothers take partial or total control of the children and they prefer to follow the dictates of their mother. It makes the father somewhat ineffective. So much so that such mothers pitch the children against the father in various family matters and the family structure is somewhat weakened and at times it collapses. These mothers forget the other instructions of Allah (SWT) in the same Quran. An-Nisa # 34.
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property). As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great.
In fact any mischievous plot or a practice against the teachings of Quran and Hadith fires back on the maker of such plot. Fatir # 43 ‘’But the evil plot encompasses only him who makes it.’’
I am sure many would agree with the above analysis but it requires great courage and consciousness of Allah (SWT) to avoid this self created destruction of family life and the Muslim society.
Very detailed instructions are given for our duty to our parents in Al-Isra # 23-25
And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.” Your Lord knows best what is in your inner-selves. If you are righteous, then, verily, He is Ever Most Forgiving to those who turn unto Him again and again in obedience, and in repentance.
Again in these verses Allah (SWT) has instructed the respect of parents along with His order to worship Him alone. Hence respect for the parents is incumbent upon a person. There are several traditions to further educate us about it.
One time a person asked Prophet Mohammad (SAW), “What action, on part of a person, Allah (SWT) loves the most?” Prophet said, “To pray at its appointed time, “The person asked, “What action Allah (SWT) loves next in this order?” Prophet (SAW) said, “To treat your parents nicely.” (Bukhari)
Abdullah bin Umer (RA) narrated that one person requested Prophet Mohammad (SAW) to allow him to join the jihad. Mohammad (SAW) asked him, “Are your parents alive?” He said, “Yes, indeed.” Mohammad (SAW) said, “Serving your parents is the jihad for you.” (Bukhari)
Quran is instructing and insisting on showing the maximum possible respect for the parents. It also means that we should show respect to those who are related to our parents and those who are close friends of our parents.
Abdullah bin Omer (RA) narrated that Prophet Mohammad (SAW) said, “If you show respect to the friends of your father, you have, in a way, displayed respect for your father.” (Bukhari)
In the above verses of Al-Isra, Allah (SWT) has reminded us about our helplessness and total dependence on our parents during our childhood. Our parents fulfilled our wishes cheerfully and lovingly. It is mandatory for the children to treat their parents accordingly.
Although, parents must be respected all the time, extreme care, consideration and love must be accorded to the parents if they happen to be old.
Very specific and important instructions are given by Allah (SWT):
1) Don’t say even a word of disrespect to them.
2) Don’t shout at them.
3) Talk to parents very humbly and kindly.
4) Act very submissively and gently to them. This humility should display mercy for them. The humility should be from your heart and not as a show business.
5) It is not possible for a person to give all kinds of comfort to his parents, since you can only serve them to the best of your ability. Hence, it is necessary to make the following supplication.
“O Allah (SWT), please show mercy to my parents as they used to show mercy to me in my childhood.”
We should continue making this supplication even after their death. We should not forget that Allah (SWT) taught this beautiful Dua to us for our beloved parents.
In the above quoted verse # 25 of Al-Isra, Allah (SWT) is consoling us that if something comes out of our mouths about our parents because of our carelessness or extreme hardship, Allah (SWT) will not punish us for it as long as we repent. Allah (SWT) knows what is deep in our hearts.
Old age is a very difficult stage of life. Ya-sin # 68
And he whom We grant long life - We reverse him in creation (weakness after strength). Will they not then understand?
Usman (RA) narrated that Prophet Mohammad (SAW) said, “When a believer is forty years old, Allah makes his accountability easier. When he reaches sixty, Allah (SWT) turns his attention more to Him. When he reaches seventy, all those in heaven start loving him. When he is eighty years old, Allah (SWT) makes his good deeds stand out and erases his bad deeds. When he is ninety years old, Allah (SWT) forgives all his previous sins and bestows upon him the right to make recommendations for his relatives on the day of judgement. It is noted in the heavens that he is like a prisoner of Allah (SWT) who is stationed on the earth.” (Ibn-e- Kathir and Musnad Ahmad)
Obviously it applies to a believer who has spent his life in the obedience of Allah (SWT).
Qurtubi has mentioned a very interesting event, narrated by Jabber bin Abdullah (RA):
One person came to Prophet Mohammad (SAW) and complained that his father had taken over all his wealth. Prophet Mohammad (SAW) said to him, “Go and bring your father with you.” In the meanwhile Jibreel (AS) came to Prophet Mohammad (SAW) and said to him, “When his father comes here, ask him about the words he uttered to himself which even his own ears didn’t listen”. When the young man brought his father, Prophet Mohammad (SAW) asked him, “How come your son is complaining that you have usurped all his wealth?”
The father requested the Prophet (SAW) “Please ask my son where do I spent this money apart from spending it for his aunt and for my personal need?”
The Prophet (SAW) said, “That’s it. Everything is clear to me now.”
The Prophet (SAW) asked the father, “What words did you utter to yourself which even your own ears did not hear?”
This person was amazed at this remark and said, “It is indeed a miracle that you know about it. The fact is that I did utter some pieces of poetry in my heart quietly which even my own ears did not hear.” The Prophet (SAW) asked him to recite this poetry for them. This person recited a beautiful poetry in Arabic. The translation of the poem is as follows:
I gave you food in your childhood and supported you even after you had attained youth. All your expenses were on my shoulders.
I used to be awake all night and used to be very perturbed when you fell ill at night. It was as if your illness was my illness and wept for it all night.
Ø The fear of your death was always haunting my mind although I knew that death will occur only at its appointed time which can’t be altered at all.
Ø When you reached this mature age, which I always longed for, you usually reacted to me harshly and always gave me bad talk. You behaved to me as if you were doing some sort of personal favor to me.
Ø Alas! If you did not wish to fulfil my rights as your father, you could have treated me like an acceptable neighbor.
Ø I wish that you should have at least fulfilled my rights as your neighbor and not acted as a miser in spending my own money on me.
On listening to this thrilling poem, the Prophet Mohammad (SAW) grabbed the neck of this young man and said to him,
“Go, you and your wealth all are for your father.”
In another Hadith, Abu Hurairah (RA) narrated that Prophet Mohammad (SAW) rose to the first step of his pulpit for an address and said:“He ruined himself totally.”
Then he rose to the second step and repeated these words. Finally he rose to the third step and repeated these words the third time. His companions asked, “Dear Prophet, who ruined himself?” Mohammad (SAW) said, “A person who witnesses the month of Ramadhan and does not get his sins forgiven from Allah (SWT). A person who doesn’t send salam to me when he hears my name. A person who sees his old parents and could not enter paradise.” (Muslim)
In other words all these three things would definitely lead a person to paradise if he followed Allah’s guidance.
May Allah (SWT) create sincere respect for our parents in our hearts and show His Mercy on them just like our parents showed Mercy to us during our childhood. (Ameen)
32.0 Quranic injunctions: Showing Disrespect to One's Parents
Allah, the Most High, Says 
And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.
And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."
Therefore, you should serve them as they did with you. But your service is not equal to theirs as they suffered a lot in bringing you up, hoping that you might live long. On the other hand, when you shoulder their burdens you hope that they will die soon.
Allah, the Most High, says,
{Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: To Me is thy final goal.} (Luqman: 14)
Behold, how Allah has associated gratitude to Him with the gratitude to the parents Ibn 'Abbas (may
Allah be pleased with him), said, "There are three verses (ayat) which have been revealed associated with three others. They are not accepted separately.
a) Allah, the Most High, says,
{Obey Allah and Obey the Messenger. And beware (of evil) if ye do turn back, know ye that it is our
Messenger's duty to proclaim (the message in the clearest manner.} (Al-Ma'idah: 92)
Thus, whoever only obeys Allah will have his obedience not accepted.
b) {And be steadfast in prayer: Give Zakat.} (AI-Baqarah: 43)
Hence, whoever performed prayers and does not pay Zakat will have his prayers not accepted
c) {Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is thy final goal.} (Luqman: 14)
Whoever shows gratitude to Allah and neglects his parents will not have his gratitude accepted.
4.0 Hadith
The Prophet (SAW) said,
"Allah's satisfaction is the parent's and His Wrath is theirs.”[3]
"A man came and sought permission for Jihad (fighting in the way of Allah). The prophet (SAW) asked him: '”Are your parents living? The man said" yes, Sir.' He said, 'Then carry on Jihad in service to your parents as this is as good as Jihad.”[4]
Behold, how Allah has preferred obeying and honoring the parents to Jihad!
The Prophet (SAW) said,
"Shall I not tell you of the worst major sins? Worshipping others with Allah and showing disrespect
to parents."
Again Allah associates showing disrespect to parents with worshipping others besides Him.
It was related that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said,
"Whoever shows disrespect to his parents, he who reminds recipients of his charity to them and he who addicts to wine will not enter Paradise.”[5]
In another tradition the Prophet (SAW) said,
"Had Allah known something concerning showing disrespect to one's parents little than Uf (a word of
contempt) He would have forbidden it. Let the rebellious son do whatever he does, he will not enter
Paradise, and let the obedient son do whatever he wants, he will not enter the Hell-Fire.”[6]
The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said,
"May Allah curse he who shows disrespect to his parents.”[7]
"May Allah curse he who reviles his father; may Allah curse he who reviles his mother.”[8]
It was related that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said,
“Allah respites whatever He wants of the sins until the day of Judgment save showing disrespect to one's parents, it will be hastened to its doer.”[9]
i.e. the worldly punishment before the Day of Judgment Ka'b Al-Ahbar, may Allah be pleased with him, said, "Allah hastens the death of anyone who shows disrespect to his parents so as torture him. On the other hand, Allah increases one's life span if he is kind to his parents to bless him."
Treating one's parents with honour also requires sustaining them with the living costs when they are
needy. A man came and said to the Prophet (SAW),
"0 Messenger of Allah, my father asks for my property.” Then the. Prophet (SAW) said, "Both you and
what you possess are your father's.”[10]
When Ka'b Al-Ahbar was asked about the meaning of showing disrespect to one's parents, he said, "When one's father or mother swore an oath and he or she did not fulfill it. When they ordered him to do something but he did not obey. When they ask him for some thing and he refused. When they entrust him for something but deceives them.
Ibn 'Abbas was asked about Ashab Al- 'Araf (men of the Heights) and he said; "As for the Heights, it is a mountain between Fire and Paradise. It is so-called because it outlooks Fire and Paradise. It is also covered by trees, fruits, rivers and wells. As for the men who seized thereon, they are those who went out to fight in the cause of Allah without their parents' permission and then are killed. Death in the cause of Allah protects them from the Hell-Fire. But disobedience to their parents deprived them of Paradise. Thus, they will be on the Heights until Allah judges them.
It was related that a man asked the Prophet (SAW),
"Who deserves my service most after Allah?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man asked again, "And who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man asked further, "Who is next?" The Prophet replied, "Your mother.” The man asked once more, "And who is next?" The Prophet (SAW) said, "Your father and then the closer kins.”[11]
Thus, the Prophet (SAW) emphasizes that the mother is the one who deserves much concern and therefore he mentioned her three times. It is the mother indeed who bears a lot in pregnancy, giving birth, and suckling and constant care to the child night and day.
Once Ibn 'Umar saw a man bearing his mother upon his shoulder and making circumambulation around the Ka'ba. The map ' asked him, "Do you think that I requite her? No, not even with a cry from childbirth.
But, well done. Allah will give you in return for a little deed a great reward.”[12]
Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) related that the Prophet (SAW) said,
"There are four people who will not enter Paradise as Allah decreed: a drunkard, a usurer, he who
appropriates the orphan's property without a legal cause and he who shows disrespect to one's parents.”[13]
The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said,
"Paradise lies beneath the feet of mothers.”[14]
A man came to Abu Ad-Darda' and said, "O Abu Ad-Darda', I have married a woman but my mother
ordered me to divorce her." Then Abu Ad-Darda' said, "Parents is the middle gate of Paradise. You may either miss or preserve it.”[15]
The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said,
"Three supplications are surely acceptable: the supplication of the oppressed, the traveler and the parents against their children.”[16]
“An aunt is treated as a mother i. e., honorable treatment.”[17]
Wahb Ibn Munabbih said, "In the tablets written by Allah to Musa is the following, 'O Musa! Respect
your parents. Whoever respects his parents I will extend his life span and grant him a grateful progeny. But, whoever shows disrespect to his parents I will shorten his life span and grant him an ungrateful progeny.”[18]
Abu Bakr Ibn Abu Mariam also said, "I read in the Torah that he who hits his father will be
killed." Similarly, Wahb said, "I read in the Torah that he who slaps his father should be stoned until
death."
`Amr Ibn Murrah Al-Juhanni said, "A man came to the Messenger of Allah and asked, 'OMessenger of
Allah, what do you say if/pray obligatory duties, fast during Ramadan, give due Zakat on my Y1-'ealth, and perform Hajj if I am able to do so, what is my reward?' The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said, 'He who does this, he will be with the prophets, truthful people and the martyrs unless he disrespects his parents.”[19]
It was related that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said, "May Allah curse he who shows disrespect to his parents."
It was narrated. Also that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said,
"In the night of /sra' (Night Journey) / saw groups of people in the Hell-Fire hanged on trunks of fire. /
asked, "Who are they, Gabriel?" He said, "They are those who revile their parents in this world.”
Bishr said, "Whoever is intimated by his mother and listens to her speech is better than the one who
fights with his sword in the cause of Allah. Gazing at her surpasses every thing. Once a man and a woman presented before the Prophet (SAW) arguing about their child. The man said, "O Messenger of Allah, he is my child who was created from my loins (backbone)." On the other hand, the woman said, "O Messenger of Allah he bore him lightly and proceeded it out of lust. But I bore him in travail, delivered him in travail and suckled him during two full years." Thereupon, the Prophet judged for the mother.”[20]
In the Prophet's lifetime, there was a young man called Alqamah. He was so devout that he exerted great efforts in performing many prayers, fasting and spending money in charity. He had a fatal disease that his wife informed the Prophet (SAW) that her husband was dying. Thereby, the Prophet (SAW) sent `Ammar, Suhaib and Bilal to instruct the dying to say the testification of Faith. When they arrived there, they found him dying. Therefore, they began to instruct him to say there is no god but Allah, but he could not repeat it.
They returned to the Prophet (SAW) to consult him. Then, the Prophet (SAW) said, "Did he have living parents?" They said, "He had an aged mother." Accordingly, the Prophet asked them to bring her if she was able to walk. Otherwise he himself will go there. When being informed by the Prophet's message, the mother said, "I sacrifice him with my soul. I will go to him." She then went to him leaning on a staff. After greeting, the Prophet (SAW) said; "O mother of Alqamah, tell me the truth and if you lie Allah will reveal me the truth. How was Alqamah?" She said, "He performed much prayers, fasting and spending money in charity." Then, the Prophet (SAW) asked, "What about you?" She said, "O Messenger of Allah! I am angry with him." The Prophet asked, "Why?" She said, "Because he prefers his wife to me and also disobeys me."
Then, the Prophet (SAW) said, "The anger of Alqamah's other holds Alqamah's tongue to utter the
testification of Faith."
Afterwards, the Prophet said, O Bilal, go and gather a pile of wood." The woman said, "Why, Messenger of Allah?" The Prophet said, “To bum him before your eyes." She said, "O Messenger of Allah, he is my son! I cannot endure that he be burnt before my eyes." Then, the Prophet said, "But Allah's torture is more severe and lasting, mother of `Alqamah. So if you like him to be forgiven by Allah, you forgive him. By Whom in Whose hands my soul is, what he performed of prayers, fasting and charity is of no avail so long as you are angry with him."
Then, she said, "O Messenger of Allah, may Allah the Almighty, his angels and all Muslims who are present witness that I forgive my son, Alqamah." Thereupon, the Prophet said, "Go to him, Bilal to see whether he can utter the testification of Faith or not? She might forgive him out of shyness." Approaching Alqamah's house, Bilal heard him saying, "There is no god but Allah" Then, the Prophet (SAW) ordered them to prepare the funeral, washing and shroud. Then, he prayed over him and witnessed the funeral.
Then, the Prophet stood in front of the deceased grave and said, "O Muhajirin (Emigrants) O Ansar
(Helpers), he who prefers his wife to his mother entails the curse of Allah, His angels and the whole people.
Allah never accepts his deeds or a reason unless he makes repentance, treats his mother well and asks her consent. This is because Allah's consent is conditioned on the mother's and His wrath is hers.”[21]
5.0 Question and answer session on Disrespecting Parents
Assalam Alikum
I have a question regarding disrespecting parents. Can someone disrespect parents so far that they leave the fold of Islam? I know couple of my cousins who swear and curse their parents. Sometimes I think if they went too far. I also read after respecting Allah and his prophet Peace be upon him comes parents. Also recently an Imam explained the children and parents relationship as slave and master. Also I heard if someone disrespect their parents non of their good deeds are counted.
I have a question regarding disrespecting parents. Can someone disrespect parents so far that they leave the fold of Islam? I know couple of my cousins who swear and curse their parents. Sometimes I think if they went too far. I also read after respecting Allah and his prophet Peace be upon him comes parents. Also recently an Imam explained the children and parents relationship as slave and master. Also I heard if someone disrespect their parents non of their good deeds are counted.
Answer: Your Heaven, Your Hell By Khalid Baig
A person once asked Prophet Muhammad, Sall-Allahu alayhi wa sallam, "What is the right of the parent's over their children?" He answered: "They are your heaven and hell." [Ibn Majah]
This beautiful Hadith answers in just three words (in the original Arabic) not only what but also why. We are to honor them, serve them, and take care of them in such a way that pleases them. For we will find the pleasure of Allah in the pleasure of our parents. On the other hand, if a person is disrespectful, disobedient, or careless toward his parents, he has just opened his door to hell through this behavior.
It is a sign of the importance of this issue that in the Qur'an, the command about our duties to the parents always occurs next to the command reminding us of our duties to Allah.
"Show gratitude to Me and to your parents. To me is your return."
[Luqman 31:14].
"Join not anything with Him. Be good to your parents." [Al-An'am 6:151].
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: 'My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.'"
[Al-Israa 17:23-24].
This bracketing of the two obligations calls for reflection. The fact is that the relationship of parents and children is unique among all human relationships. Parents sacrifice everything for their children and genuinely want them to be better off than themselves, without any calculations or expectation of returns. Parental love is indeed part of Divine love.
While parental love is mostly instinctive, the way we treat our parents has been left to us. We can choose to honor and obey them or we can choose to do otherwise. Hence the reference to heaven and hell. For it is through exercise of our free will that we choose the path of heaven or hell. There is another important reminder here: We should never think that we have done all we had to do.
This is a very different concept of the family then one finds in today's society. In English the common metaphor used to describe the family is that of the bird's nest. Little birds stay in the nest and are taken care of by the parents. A soon as they grow up they leave the nest to enjoy their own life. Of course, grown up birds do not know or care about parents (or grandparents or uncles or aunts or other relatives). For their low level animal existence this is okay because they don't have to build a civilization or develop human society. Unfortunately, this metaphor too closely reflects the real life in the West, which has descended to the level of birds and animals. In this society, father is the "old man," and the battle cry of the young man is, "this is my life, leave me alone." The legal structure also supports this view as do literature and media and experts of every persuasion.
The resulting devastation is now well known. Family has been disintegrated beyond recognition and human relations have been decimated. Old people live a sad existence in retirement homes. Sacrifice, commitment, and deference to parental authority, are as alien as the extended family, and increasingly, even the normal family. "In the west a person does not have a single individual in his or her life that he or she can trust," says an American convert to Islam. Compared to this despicable situation the family life in the Muslim countries is a great blessing --- despite the general decline there.
Today this institution of the family is under attack from all directions. A central line of attack incites children in rebellion against parents and targets parental authority in the name of ---- what else ---- children's rights. Those who are living and growing up in this environment, and who have absorbed its cultural symbols, and its metaphors may find Islam's teachings as strange as does a sick person when tasting normal, healthy, and good-tasting food. Nevertheless, it is important that we remind ourselves and our children of Islam's teachings regarding parents. Here is a summary:
This beautiful Hadith answers in just three words (in the original Arabic) not only what but also why. We are to honor them, serve them, and take care of them in such a way that pleases them. For we will find the pleasure of Allah in the pleasure of our parents. On the other hand, if a person is disrespectful, disobedient, or careless toward his parents, he has just opened his door to hell through this behavior.
It is a sign of the importance of this issue that in the Qur'an, the command about our duties to the parents always occurs next to the command reminding us of our duties to Allah.
"Show gratitude to Me and to your parents. To me is your return."
[Luqman 31:14].
"Join not anything with Him. Be good to your parents." [Al-An'am 6:151].
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: 'My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.'"
[Al-Israa 17:23-24].
This bracketing of the two obligations calls for reflection. The fact is that the relationship of parents and children is unique among all human relationships. Parents sacrifice everything for their children and genuinely want them to be better off than themselves, without any calculations or expectation of returns. Parental love is indeed part of Divine love.
While parental love is mostly instinctive, the way we treat our parents has been left to us. We can choose to honor and obey them or we can choose to do otherwise. Hence the reference to heaven and hell. For it is through exercise of our free will that we choose the path of heaven or hell. There is another important reminder here: We should never think that we have done all we had to do.
This is a very different concept of the family then one finds in today's society. In English the common metaphor used to describe the family is that of the bird's nest. Little birds stay in the nest and are taken care of by the parents. A soon as they grow up they leave the nest to enjoy their own life. Of course, grown up birds do not know or care about parents (or grandparents or uncles or aunts or other relatives). For their low level animal existence this is okay because they don't have to build a civilization or develop human society. Unfortunately, this metaphor too closely reflects the real life in the West, which has descended to the level of birds and animals. In this society, father is the "old man," and the battle cry of the young man is, "this is my life, leave me alone." The legal structure also supports this view as do literature and media and experts of every persuasion.
The resulting devastation is now well known. Family has been disintegrated beyond recognition and human relations have been decimated. Old people live a sad existence in retirement homes. Sacrifice, commitment, and deference to parental authority, are as alien as the extended family, and increasingly, even the normal family. "In the west a person does not have a single individual in his or her life that he or she can trust," says an American convert to Islam. Compared to this despicable situation the family life in the Muslim countries is a great blessing --- despite the general decline there.
Today this institution of the family is under attack from all directions. A central line of attack incites children in rebellion against parents and targets parental authority in the name of ---- what else ---- children's rights. Those who are living and growing up in this environment, and who have absorbed its cultural symbols, and its metaphors may find Islam's teachings as strange as does a sick person when tasting normal, healthy, and good-tasting food. Nevertheless, it is important that we remind ourselves and our children of Islam's teachings regarding parents. Here is a summary:
1) We must honor and respect out parents under all circumstances. It does not depend on their having "earned" this honor in our eyes. It is a right granted to them even if they are non-Muslim.
The most important thing in this regard is our conduct toward them. We are not to say a word of contempt or even one showing the slightest level of irritation, rather we must show great humility toward them.
The most important thing in this regard is our conduct toward them. We are not to say a word of contempt or even one showing the slightest level of irritation, rather we must show great humility toward them.
2) We must obey them within the bounds of the Shariah. In Islam, there is no absolute obedience to any one. All obedience --- of subordinates to the bosses, of the children to the parents, of the ruled to the rulers, of the wife to the husband --- are constrained by an overriding principal described in Hadith: "There is no obedience to a creation in disobedience to the Creator."
3) Within the bounds of the Shariah a person should obey the parents even if they had been unjust to him in the past. In one Hadith the Prophet, Sall-Allahu alayhi wa sallam, repeated the statement three times "even if the parents had been unjust to him."
4) While mandatory acts under the Shariah are not subject to parental approval, the voluntary acts are. As an example, scholars say that leaving home to invite people to Islam, though a very meritorious act, is a voluntary good deed and therefore subject to approval by the Muslim parents.
5) It is their right that we should also pray for them, both while they are alive and after their death. It is doubtful that anyone praying for his parents will then turn around and intentionally do things to hurt them.
6) The good conduct toward the parents should also be extended to their friends and relatives.
6.0 Conclusion
Allah says: “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And spread over them humbly the wings of tenderness, and say: ‘O my Sustainer! Bestow Your grace upon them, just as they cherished and reared me when I was a child’.” (Qur’an, 17:23-24).
Allah (SWT) has given more instructions in the Quran about the family life than any other matter since the stability of the family life is the most important thing in the eyes of Allah (SWT). This unislamic behavior of some mothers and their harassment towards their husband is very destructive. It decreases the reward of such mothers with Allah (SWT) for the various services they have rendered to the family. Some mothers realize their mistake in the later part of their lives when they are caught up in the problems originated by them. It is too late to mend the damage since the destruction is done. The children whom they love are the biggest losers.
While we do all this with a deep sense of gratitude and with an eye toward the rewards in the Hereafter, it is also important to remember that good or bad behavior toward the parents also brings its rewards and punishments in this world. Those who bring sorrow to their parents will see sorrow themselves and those who bring joy to them will see joy themselves in this life.
May Allah guide you and me to be sincere in our intentions and to perfect our deeds!
May Allah guide you and me to the straightforward path, for He is Most Bounteous, Most Generous? Praise be to Allah the Lord of all worlds.
May Allah bless our Prophet Muhammad, his family and all his Companions!
We ask Allaah to make us and you steadfast.
Assembled by Abba Abana, FCE
Dated 9th February 2013
[1] Did you download or photocopied ‘’Avoid 70 Major Sins’’ series 1,2,3,4, 5, 6 and 7? In Shaa Allahu, Our planned mission is to get all 70 Major Sins separately/sequentially via email to brothers/sisters for their archives.
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