HABITS
OF HAPPY MUSLIM COUPLES
ASSEMBLED
BY MALLAM ABBA ABANA, KUBWA, ABUJA, NIGERIA
http://variousislamicdawadocuments.blogspot.com
https://web.facebook.com/abba.abana
emails:gonidamgamiri@yahoo.com;
abba.abana@gmail.com
THURSDAY
11th JULY 2019 CE and 8th DHUL QA’ADA 1440 AH
TEL
+2348186961697 (WHATSAPP)
BismillahWalhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam 'ala
Rasulillah. As-Salaam AlaikumWa-RahmatullahiWa-Barakatuhu.
Praise be to Allaah; we seek His help and His forgiveness. We
seek refuge with Allaah from the evil of our own souls and from our bad deeds.
Whomsoever Allaah guides will never be led astray, and whomsoever Allaah leaves
astray, no one can guide. I bear witness that there is no god but Allaah, and I
bear witness that Muhammad (Sallalahu alaihi Wa salam) is His slave and
Messenger.
Preamble
What does it take to stay Muslim, married and extremely
happy today? As oxymoronic as that just sounded, believe it or not, it’s
absolutely possible!
Marriage, especially for Muslims, is a lot more than having
someone to call a husband or wife. The marital relationship is an incredible
blessing and divine sign, as Allah Ta’ala says in the Qur’an:
“ *And of His signs is that He created for you from
yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between
you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give
thought.”* [Qur’an: Chapter 30, Verse 21]
The whole purpose of having a spouse is to find tranquility
in and with them; and our relationships with our spouses have signs that Allah
Ta’ala is asking us to give thought to.
How are some Muslim couples finding this tranquility in
their marriage while many others seem to be having a miserable time?
What are those couples whose eyes exude deep love and
contentment doing right in their relationships?
Here are the top 10 habits of Muslim couples who’ve found
tranquility and happiness in their marriage:
1*They
love each other for Allah’s sake*
What does it mean to love each other for Allah’s sake? It
means you make the love and obedience of Allah Ta’ala the basis and focus of
your relationship with someone else. It means you love someone so much that you
want your love for them to last beyond this lifetime and into the Hereafter,
where you can live in eternal happiness with them having earned Allah’s
pleasure together. It means you love someone purely because of how much they
remind you of Allah Ta’ala and help you get closer to Him.
Hold it right there. I know what you just thought: “but my
wife/husband doesn’t remind me of Allah at all.”
A lot of people who marry each other even for primarily
religious reasons end up disappointed after marriage when they suddenly find
their spouse not praying all the Sunnah prayers (like they thought they would)
or reading the Qur’an every day or the morning and evening Adhkar or fasting
Mondays and Thursdays or being excited about attending halaqahs or praying Tahajjud
or doing something for the Ummah – like they thought they would. *Our own
restrictions of spirituality to acts of physical or outward worship blind us
from seeing how much our spouses contribute to improving our character,* which
is an unsurpassed form of spiritual growth, because the Prophet (Sallallaahu
Alaihi Wasalaam) says:
“ *Nothing is placed on the Scale that is heavier than good
character. Indeed the person with good character will have attained the rank of
the person of fasting and prayer.”* [Tirmidhi].
Your spouse has loved you for Allah’s sake every time they
have:
a)
stopped you from harboring
suspicions or ill-will (about your boss or competitor or any other annoying
person in your life)
b)
stopped you from backbiting (about
your friends, colleagues, in-laws (ahem))
c)
helped you be more kind and gentle
in your speech and manners (to helpers, waiters, laborers, siblings, elders and
children)
d)
helped you fulfill people’s trusts
(by encouraging you to get to work on time and do the best at your job, to pay
off your debts, to keep people’s secrets)
e)
helped you be more honest with
yourself or to others
f)
helped you forgive someone and
overlook their faults
g)
helped you become more generous or
less extravagant
h)
helped you recognize and overcome
the weaknesses of your inner self
In all of the above and so many other times that go
unnoticed, committed Muslim spouses consistently help each other get closer to
Allah Ta’ala. They stop each other from anything that may lower them in the
sight of Allah Ta’ala and constantly help each other win Allah’s love.
Truly happy Muslim couples engage in winning Allah’s
pleasure together whenever and in any way they can: they glorify Allah Ta’ala
together in the quiet hours of Fajr, they thank Allah Ta’ala in tahajjud
together, they make it a point to read a minimum amount of Qur’an everyday,
they do regular or even random acts of kindness and charity and they maintain
loving and happy ties with each other’s families.
*2. They are grateful for
each other*
If there is one fundamental need that exists in every single
human relationship, it is the need to feel relevant and appreciated. And there
is no other relationship where this need is as grossly overlooked and abused,
as in marriage. Why does this happen? Is it because humans tend to take things
for granted, especially when they’re done by those closest to them?
When you’re newly married, every single thing your spouse
does for you feels so special. As time goes by, your husband going out to work
hard and earn for the family becomes normal; and a few years later it becomes
“his duty anyway”. Similarly, every meal your new bride cooks is delightful,
then somehow the salt always seems to keep getting lesser, till eventually
she’s “not doing anyone a favor by just doing her job”.
Sounds familiar? Oh yes, ungrateful Muslim spouse speaking
right there.
Happy Muslim couples live and breathe this hadith in their
marriage:
“ *He who does not thank the people is not thankful to
Allah.”* [Abu Dawud].
What is not there to thank your spouse for? Here are 5
reasons to thank your spouse right now:
a)
For providing you a roof to live
under/for making a home out of your house
b)
For buying you clothes to wear/for
making sure you have clean clothes to wear everyday
c)
3For buying you the food you eat
everyday/for making delicious meals for you everyday
d)
For being there to take you where
you need to go/for being there to take care of the house when you’re away
e)
For coming back home to you every
evening/for being the person you can come home to everyday
Allah Ta’ala says in the Qur’an:
*“… If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in
favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.”* [Qur’an: Chapter
14, Verse 7]
Our spouses are an immense favor and blessing of Allah
Ta’ala upon us: they are an irreplaceable source of spiritual, emotional,
mental and physical comfort. Happy Muslim couples keep getting happier because
they simply implement the command of Allah Ta’ala in the above verse: They are
grateful every day for each other, so Allah Ta’ala increases the happiness they
find in each other, just like He promised.
The verse doesn’t end there though. The last half of the
verse should send a chill down every married person’s spine: *“…if you deny,
indeed, My punishment is severe.”*
How many times have our egos stopped us from acknowledging
and appreciating our spouses?
How many times have we denied all the good they’ve done for
us through a single word or sentence in the middle of a senseless argument?
Every conflict left unresolved, every hurtful word exchanged
and every baseless complaint is a refusal to value one of Allah’s best gifts to
us: *a spouse* . It is a denial of a favor Allah Ta’ala has blessed us with
that many are longing for. And you don’t have to wait for the Hereafter to bear
the consequences of such denial. Days of depression, frustration, anger, spite,
lack of barakah (blessing), and even illness and hardships make life living
hell for those who refuse to be grateful in their marriages.
Allah Ta’ala also says in the Qur’an:
“ *And as for your Lord’s favor, then discourse about it!
(i.e., proclaim it)* .” [Qur’an: Chapter 93, Verse 11]
So if you aren’t doing so already, stop holding back and
proclaim to your spouse how grateful you are for them!
You and your spouse can start becoming grateful for each
other right now by:
a)
thanking each other for at least one
thing everyday: you could do this through a text message, a note in a lunchbox
or on the fridge, or just before you go to sleep at night (brothers, I promise
you will not decrease in height if you do this)
b)
exchanging a smile that says“thank
you, you mean the world to me”saying “thank you/jazak Allah khayr” every time
your spouse does something for you
c)
getting/doing small things for your
spouse that you know they will absolutely love
writing down things about each other
you’re grateful for in a journal and exchanging your journals regularly:
journaling makes you reflect, realize and truly internalize what you’re
thinking about. There’s nothing better than internalizing the gratitude you
feel towards your spouse; and there’s nothing more heart-warming for them to
read than what you’ve written from the depths of your heart!
*"And keep reminding, because reminding benefits the
believers."*(51:55)
*3.
They communicate like best friends*
What a Whatsapp conversation looks like a few years into a
typical marriage:
“Need bread.”“K.”
I mean, c’mon: “K”?? Not even an “o” to make that miserable
“k” look a little less miserable?!
What happens to married people’s manners, interest,
enthusiasm and most importantly good assumptions when talking to their spouses?
Is it okay to talk this way because you’re just so used to
someone?
Why do we not talk this way to people we’ve been friends
with for years?
What makes a spouse less-deserving of respect, enthusiasm
and affection when no one deserves it more than them (except our parents) for
choosing to live every single day with us?
Why do we not talk to our spouses like we talk to our best
friends, even though they are much closer to us than anyone will ever be?
Happy Muslim couples talk like best friends, in good times
and in conflict. In good times, they wait to tell each other about their day,
they joke, laugh, share ideas, flirt, compliment each other, respect their
spouse’s right to hold different opinions and learn from each other’s opposing
points of view. In fact, happy Muslim couples communicate just like the Prophet
(Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasalaam) and his wives did.
Aisha (Radiallahu Anha) narrated that:
Allah’s Messenger (Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasalaam) said to her:
“ *I know when you are pleased with me or angry with me.* ” I said, “Whence do
you know that?” He said, “ *When you are pleased with me, you say, ‘No, by the
Lord of Muhammad,’ but when you are angry with me, then you say, ‘No, by the
Lord of Abraham.* ’ ” Thereupon I said, “Yes (you are right), but by Allah, O
Allah’s Messenger, I leave nothing but your name.” [Bukhari]
Couples that have learnt to communicate effectively do away
with the majority of marital stress because they become so attuned to each
other’s feelings that they can immediately sense the emotional state of their spouse
through the slightest change in words or tone.
And as our beloved Aisha (Radiallahu Anha) put it so
beautifully – even in anger; happy, loving Muslim spouses never desert anything
more than each other’s name when they try to communicate that they feel wronged
or hurt. They never desert love and respect for each other in conflict: this,
is the key to staying happy in your marriage.
*4.
They never lose focus of each other’s primary needs*
What I’ve personally discovered through my own marriage and
from those of all the people who’ve discussed marital issues with me, is that
the primary reason for continuous marital stress and discord is almost always
due to the neglect of a spouse’s primary needs.
A lot of books (by Muslim and non-Muslim authors alike) tend
to classify primary marital needs based on gender or a spouse’s role in the
marriage. You must’ve definitely read about men’s primary needs being respect
and physical satisfaction, and that women prioritize the need for love, verbal
expression and emotional satisfaction. However true these classifications may
seem in theory, they’re far from practical reality, because the truth is: both
men and women need love, respect, physical and emotional satisfaction, just in
different degrees and ways of expression.
Men and women are equally human: Allah Ta’ala has created
both genders with a sense of human dignity, with physical desires and with
hearts that have feelings. When wives get snappy and say mean things to their
spouses, husbands do feel hurt and unloved; and when husbands are rude and hurl
insults at their spouses, wives do feel humiliated and disrespected. When a
woman’s physical desires are consistently dismissed or left half-fulfilled, she
feels as frustrated as a man in such situations does; and when a man never
hears any words of appreciation or admiration, he feels as underappreciated and
unvalued as a woman in these situations does.
Every marriage is made up of two unique people of opposite
genders. That’s why, what works for one couple may not necessarily work in your
marriage, because you and your spouse are different people altogether with
different preferences, priorities and circumstances. For this reason, generally
accepted theories that may apply to many marriages may not apply to many others
because different people are different. And happy Muslim couples have this
figured out. It is extremely crucial for the health of your marriage that you
sit down with your spouse and figure out what is important to them, and how
they’ve always expected you to fulfill those needs for them.
*Here’s how to figure out and focus on fulfilling your
spouse’s primary needs:*
Ask your spouse: “What is the one thing you cannot do without
in this marriage?”
Give them options to think about like love, respect,
emotional or physical satisfaction, financial security, a peaceful or Islamic
environment at home, etc.
Ask them for examples of how they want these needs fulfilled:
“How have you always expected me to do this for you?”
Give them examples to help them figure out their
preferences: ask them if they expect you to get small surprise gifts regularly,
verbally compliment them more, take the initiative to pray or read and reflect
on the Qur’an together, plan date nights, consult them before making a
significant decision, talk to them in a certain way, dress up and prepare
special surprise meals at home with the kids asleep, not say certain things in
arguments, etc.
Write down their needs and preferences. Make dua and sincere
effort to fulfill your spouse’s primary needs: ask Allah Ta’ala to help you
make your spouse happy, and then actively think of and create easy ways to do
what is important to your spouse
...to be continued...in sha Allah.
*5. They are
the comfort of each other’s eyes*
Happy Muslim couples strive to be the comfort of each
other’s eyes. They seek to be the answer to the dua that Allah Ta’ala has
taught us to make:
“ *And those who say, “Our Lord, grant us from among our
wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the
righteous* .”” [Qur’an: Chapter 25, Verse 74]
What does it take to become a beautiful sight to look at?
*Smile at your spouse*
When was the last time you beamed at your spouse or saw your
spouse smiling lovingly at you?
Okay, I shouldn’t have asked that question because you’d
probably need to time travel back into the ancient past.
Smile when you open the door to your tired husband, smile
when you get to see your wife after a long day at work, smile at the
mother/father of your child for giving you such a beautiful gift; let your
smile be the last thing your spouse sees before they close their eyes to sleep.
Smile because there’s no reason not to.
*Look good for your spouse*
The noble companion Ibn Abbas (Radiallahu Anhu) is reported
to have said:
*“I like to take care of my appearance for my wife just as I
like for her to take care of her appearance for me. This is because Allah Ta’ala
says: “And they (women) have rights similar (to those of their husbands) over
them to what is reasonable.* ” ” [Tafsir Ibn Kathir].
You are the only man/woman your spouse is allowed to look at
from head to toe, so please don’t be an eye sore!
Yes, make this your mantra.
Tell yourself this every time you look in the mirror at your
unkempt hair, permanent pyjamas or neglected body. Looking good for your spouse
is as important (and as easy) as everything else you do every day like eating
or sleeping.
*It takes a maximum of 20 minutes to:* shower, put on some
attractive clothes and perfume, comb your hair and apply a dash of make-up
(men: you don’t have to do the last bit so you have even less of an excuse!).
Make these 20 minutes a fixed part of your routine, ideally just before your
spouse gets home or before you sit down to relax at home after work.
Looking good for each other has even more to do with
maintaining your health and fitness. You need to do this for your own self
before anyone else. Slot in an hour at least everyday to work on your physical
and mental fitness: work out wherever and whenever it is convenient for you,
but make sure you do and your spouse makes time for their fitness too. There’s
nothing more attractive to a spouse than having that healthy glow and fit
physique!
*Be their source of comfort and support*
Who do you think of turning to when you’re depressed, afraid
or going through a tough time? If your spouse was the first person that came to
your mind, you have a wonderful marriage Alhamdulillah. Because that’s what
Muslim spouses do: they are each other’s refuge, just like the Prophet
(Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasalaam) and his wives were to each other.
When the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasalaam) received the
revelation for the first time, he began trembling with fear and ran to his wife
Khadijah (Radiallahu Anha) seeking comfort and reassurance saying:
“ *O Khadijah! What is wrong with me? I was afraid that
something bad might happen to me.”* Then he told her the story. Khadijah (Radiallahu
Anha) said, “ *Nay! But receive the good tidings! By Allah, Allah will never
disgrace you, for by Allah, you keep good relations with your kith and kin,
speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, entertain your guests
generously and assist those who are stricken with calamities.* ” [Bukhari]
*6. They make
each other bloom*
Did you know your spouse was a separate person with a unique
mind, heart, body and soul before they married you?
And did you know that they still are that individual person,
only with you by their side?
Marriages begin to go headlong into constant unhappiness
when one or both spouses forget this fundamental fact: *marriage makes people
partners, not parts of each other that must be controlled and bossed over* .As
unfortunate as the truth may be, your spouse has a lot more roles to play in
life than just being your spouse; and whenever you restrict them from doing
justice to all their roles, you’re going to be the cause of their constant
frustration, which will only spill into your own marital relationship.
Allah Subḥānahu wa Ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) has
created each of us to contribute in so many ways during our life on this earth
and has blessed us with the potential to be all that He wants us to be. Be that
amazing person who motivates, encourages and helps your spouse discover and use
their God-given potential and traits to bloom and be a source of joy and mercy
to the world.
a)
Don’t stop your spouse from being
kind and loving to their parents,
b)
don’t stop them from being helpful
towards their colleagues and relatives,
c)
don’t make them cut ties that you
know they should keep,
d)
don’t compel them to bottle up their
talents when you know their skills can be used in a halal way to bring about a
lot of good,
e)
don’t control their every relationship
and acquaintance with other people like an air-traffic controller,
f)
don’t bark orders and rules and
taunts at them at every opportunity:
g)
don’t make your spouse wither into a
dull, lifeless, thorny, poisonous weed; because that is not what Allah Subḥānahu
wa Ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) created them to be – *that’s what
control freaks make out of the people they live with.*
h)
Happy Muslim couples are partners in
growth and productivity:
i)
They acknowledge that their spouse
is a slave of Allah Subḥānahu wa Ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) alone and
marriage does not change that.
j)
They acknowledge their spouse’s
other roles and responsibilities and encourage them to do justice to all of
them.
k)
They recognize each other’s unique
traits and talents and catalyze their spouse’s growth and worth as an
individual.
*7.
They make time for each other – no matter what!*
Sorry, there’s just no excuse not to give at least half an
hour (okay, 15 minutes when you’re just too exhausted) of undivided attention
and love to your spouse.
Because the truth is, you’re not married just to slog all
day to get money home, or to produce kids and take care of them 24/7. Before
you know it, your bosses and jobs will change and you’ll be retiring and
replaced, and the kids would’ve married and moved out. And the only person you
will be left with is that spouse (read: stranger) you always put second to
everything, who would’ve become too used to being neglected over the past 30
years to be that warm companion you’ll desperately be needing in your old age.
Your relationship needs exclusive attention every single
day. Just like you’re saving every day to build that comfortable house for the
future. What’s the fun if you’re going to end up alone in that house, sleeping
next to someone you don’t even recognize anymore? Instead, imagine this: you’re
(finally!) going to be alone in that house with the person who’s listened to
your worries and stories every night, who you’ve taken walks with every day,
who’s been there to lean on when you’ve been weak, who you’ve celebrated all
your achievements and successes with: someone who’s been a friend indeed, every
single day. Now is it really that hard to give half an hour of your time every
day to the person who deserves it most?
*8.
They fight the real enemies: ego, evil eye and shaytan*
*Ego*
Here’s what the growth curve of a Muslim couple that’s
learnt to manage marital conflict looks like:
*1st year of marriage:* blame all conflicts on spouse
*2nd year of marriage:* blame all conflicts on spouse,
shaytan, evil eye and magic (seriously)
*3rd year of marriage:* blame spouse for ‘causing’ conflict
and take nominal blame for reacting absurdly
*4th year of marriage:* make sure spouse takes at least half
the blame for conflicts
*5th year of marriage:* agree that your spouse has been
right all along and there’s something you need to change about yourself
If you ask every happily married couple that’s successfully
made it past the first five years, they’ll tell you there’s no bigger enemy to
marital happiness than: *ego*
Ego is the defense mechanism of the lower self, and ego in
marriage sounds like:
“ *This is who I am and you better get used to it”*
*“I wouldn’t have said/done that if you didn’t say/do what
you did”*
*“It’s all because of you”*
*“Does it look like I care anyway?”*
And ego sounds very, very familiar.
This is because the lower self is a covert enemy lurking
within each and every one of us. Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and
exalted be He) records Yusuf’s ‘alayhi’l-salām (peace be upon him) observation
of the lower human self in the Qur’an:
*“…Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when
my Lord bestows His Mercy (upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is
Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”* [Qur’an: Chapter 12, Verse 53]
This doesn’t mean we are all inherently bad, but that we all
have lower selves that are inclined to be oppressive, unruly and unjust; and it
is only Allah’s subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) mercy that
can make us rise above our destructive, narcissistic lower selves.
Why ego is the biggest threat to a marriage is because it is
an enemy from within. Ego is like a deceptive double agent that distorts
reality and makes us deny and justify the wrongs that our lower selves commit
towards our spouses, convincing us that we are right; while we are oppressing
our own selves and our spouses and actually walking a path of humiliating
self-destruction.
The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and
blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:
*“A believer is the mirror of his brother. When he sees a
fault in it, he should correct it.”* [Al Adab Al Mufrad]
There’s no one who mirrors our souls to us more accurately
than our spouse, because no other human being gets to see us as intimately and
habitually as they do. As a natural consequence, spouses stand the highest
chance of facing our ego: the defensive wrath of our lower selves. But allowing
your lower self to prevail in your marriage instead of seeing your marriage as
a means to purify yourself is your own (disastrous) choice. Allah subḥānahu wa
ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) says in Surat Ash-Shams:
“ *And [by] the soul (self) and He who proportioned it. And
inspired it [with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness. He has
succeeded who purifies it, and he has failed who instills it [with
corruption].* ” [Qur’an: Chapter 91, Verse 7-10]
Our spouses actually personify the mercy of Allah subḥānahu
wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) when they mirror our flaws to us so we
can rise above our lower selves. They make us discern our innermost weaknesses
that we could not have seen for ourselves, and Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla
(glorified and exalted be He) has blessed us with them for our own spiritual
purification and salvation.
The next time your spouse is desperately trying to get something
about yourself across to you:
a)
Just listen. Listen carefully and
objectively, especially if they have been repeating it for a very long time.
b)
Control the urge to defend yourself:
look for the truth in your spouse’s words first.
c)
Ask yourself: “Has anyone pointed
this out about me before?”The answer could very likely be a yes, and if it is,
then you’re definitely looking at a flaw that Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla
(glorified and exalted be He) wants you to work on and get rid of.
d)
Realize how merciful Allah subḥānahu
wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) is being to you through your spouse.
Thank Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) and your spouse
sincerely for caring so much about your success in the hereafter and making you
a better person.
Try this 4-step exercise the next time you face conflict in
your marriage. I promise you’ll see marital conflict in a whole new light: your
spouse will no longer be the enemy and you’ll realize just what a big blessing
they are for you!
*Evil Eye*
The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and
blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:
“ *The evil eye is real.* ” [Ibn Majah]
I am always in awe of the power of this extremely concise
hadith, because it delivers three vital messages about the evil eye in one
5-word sentence:
the harm of the evil eye is very, very real (in case you
were even thinking otherwise) do not put yourself in its way; and take measures
to protect yourself from it
If you agree with point one, the second and third points
just follow naturally. Muslim couples today are actually serving their
marriages on exquisitely decorated social media platters for the evil eye to
devour: not just the ceremony, but every single verbal and non-verbal marital
exchange, meal, meeting, moment, mood and micro-second!
You cannot be friends with 500+ people on social media, half
of whom may be trying hard to get married for a long time and keep shoving your
marital happiness in their face. *Not only is it unnecessary, it is highly
insensitive*.
Happy Muslim couples do share their marital happiness, but
sensibly. Before sharing anything about your marital life with the public, ask
yourself:
a)
Is it necessary to share it with all
the people I’m about to disclose it to?
b)
Will it make any of them long to be
in my position?
c)
Is it better off being private?
Not putting your marriage in the way of the evil eye is the
first way of protecting it from its harm. Reading the morning and evening
adhkar, the duas prescribed for protection against the evil eye as well as
constantly thanking Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) for
your marriage and your spouse fortifies this protection immensely.
*Shaytan*
Remember all that incomprehensible pre-wedding drama between
your spouse’s family and yours, or those regular ridiculous flare-ups that you
realize made absolutely no sense after you and your spouse cooled down (e.g.:
when “why did you turn off the light when you know I was reading?” ends in
“marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life!” – W.H.A.T?!): yes, all those
absurd, bizarre arguments that sprang out of nothing and all the other
senseless discord in your marriage are the best compliments of shaytan.
The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings
of Allāh be upon him) said:
“ *Iblis (shaytan) places his throne upon water; he then
sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are
those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and
says: I did so and so. And he says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst
them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of
discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan goes near him and says: ‘You
have done well and then embraces him* .” [Muslim]
Shaytan doesn’t have any principles when he seeks to create
marital discord: in fact, the rule is that he attacks from where you least
expect it. Like through your normally loving, religious and sensible
parent/sibling/well-wisher who begins to magnify some irrelevant flaw in your spouse
that was somehow never an issue before you tied the knot. Shaytan perpetuates
his whispers through their tongues, and you unwittingly believe them because
they are your loved ones. And thus begins insane marital strife.
Here’s how to protect your marriage from the shaytan:
a)
*Read the mu’awwadhatayn* (Surat
Al-Falaq and Surat An-Nas) and morning and evening adhkar daily.
b)
If your spouse is behaving in a way
or saying things they normally don’t, politely say: “ *honey, let’s not let the
shaytan get to us.”* This is a tried and tested way to defuse a senseless
argument before it starts.
c)
If you find yourself starting to get
angry, seek refuge in Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He)
from the shaytan immediately.
d)
If you hear anything negative about
your spouse from anyone, examine the words for signs of shaytan’s whispers and
traps. If there’s anything that may cause you to have even the slightest
ill-feeling or resentment towards your spouse, consciously recall all the good
in your spouse and compare it to what’s being said about them: you’ll see the
false/irrelevant claims quickly dissipating.
*9.
They sense each other’s stress*
You know those times when your spouse is just not being
their normal self or getting ticked off by every little thing?
Or when you do something special and they didn’t even seem
to notice?
If you look a little deeper, you’ll find there’s definitely
something that’s bothering them (and it is not you). No matter how annoyingly
they may be behaving, try to find out what’s wrong;
*try to sense their stress*
They’ll most likely be having a problem at work, be down
with an illness or close to that time of the month, or the kids would’ve done a
fantastic job at driving them mad all day.
Shaytan waits to use these moments of stress to spark an
argument, because the spouse under stress doesn’t have the energy to fight him
when their mind is exhausted by other troubles. He waits for the calmer spouse
to eventually get annoyed, pick up the bait and say “ *what’s gotten into you?”
and BAM!* If you focus on putting your finger on what’s bothering your spouse
and offering them support instead of getting worked up yourself, you
immediately kill one more chance for shaytan to get to your marriage.
Happy Muslim couples empathize with one another. Once you’ve
figured out what’s bothering your spouse, give them the space, comfort or help
they need to de-stress. Ask them if they’d like to take a nap, be alone for some
time, take a break from the kids, get some help with their work or spend some
time with their friends or family, if it’ll make them feel better.
Agree with your spouse to do this whenever either of you is
acting out till you learn to sense each other’s stress just through your
expressions, and your mutual intuition develops into a beautiful, unspoken
language of care and understanding.
*10.
They are conscious of Allah Subḥānahu wa Ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He)
in conflict*
There isn’t a single marriage where there isn’t any conflict
or disagreement of some sort or degree. It is only *the way in which conflicts
are managed* that distinguishes the health of one marriage from the other.
Of all the ways to manage and minimize marital conflict, the
most powerful way is remembering that Allah Subḥānahu wa Ta’āla (glorified and
exalted be He) is watching our every single move and expression, and hearing
our every single word. And it is all being recorded for a Day when He Subḥānahu
wa Ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) will be the Judge. Bringing this to
mind during conflict helps us refrain from giving in to our lower selves and
the whispers of Shaytan in the heat of the moment, and saves the marriage from
a lot of irreversible, long-term damage.
The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and
blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:
*“I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up
arguing, even if he is in the right… ”* [Abu Dawud]
And when He Sallallāhu ‘alayhi wa Sallam (Peace and
Blessings of Allāh be upon him) was asked by Mu’adh bin Jabal raḍyAllāhu ‘anhu
(may Allāh be pleased with him):
“O Prophet of Allah, will we be brought to account for what
we say?’ He said: ‘ *May your mother not find you, O Mu’adh! Are people thrown
onto their faces in Hell for anything other than the harvest of their
tongues?’”* [Ibn Majah]
The truth is, hell begins on earth when the tongue isn’t
controlled during marital conflict. *The humiliation and hurt inflicted by the
tongue sows deep resentment and spite.* That’s why Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla
(glorified and exalted be He) says in the Qur’an:
“ *And tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed,
Satan induces [dissension] among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a
clear enemy* .”[Qur’an: Chapter 17, Verse 53]
If you disagree with your spouse over anything or are hurt
by something they did or said, bring Allah’s presence to mind first to help
lower your anger and approach the issue calmly. Then put your concerns across
as gently as possible because gentleness is far more likely to make your spouse
see your point than lashing out at them. The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa
sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said to Aisha raḍyAllāhu
‘anha (may Allāh be pleased with her):
“ *Aisha! show gentleness, for if gentleness is found in
anything, it beautifies it and when it is taken out from anything it damages
it* .” [Abu Dawud]
*Marriage
in a nutshell*
I remember giving a talk on love and relationships to an
audience of young girls when I’d been married for just about two years. In my
talk, I’d mentioned the verse of the Qur’an where Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla
(glorified and exalted be He) says:
“ *Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women
impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for
women of purity…”* [Qur’an: Chapter 24, Verse 26]
In the Q&A session, a girl from the audience asked: “but
what about all those couples we see where one spouse is so good and the other
is the complete opposite?”
I’d answered: “The verse is the general rule, but Allah
subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) may choose to test some of us
through our spouses.”
Just then, someone in the front row of the audience put up
her hand and requested to speak. She was one of the other guest speakers, a
renowned author and a woman full of wisdom, and someone who was married for
many more years than me. She said:
“ *What a person looks like to us is not necessarily what
they are behind closed doors. So before judging whether a person is right or
wrong for someone, remember that Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and
exalted be He) chooses spouses for us not to test us but to help us purify and
improve our own selves.*”
Three years from that talk and I still haven’t come across a
greater truth about marriage. Indeed, as Allah Subḥānahu wa Ta’āla (glorified
and exalted be He) said, in this beautiful relationship are signs for those who
give thought. Marital happiness is not an end but a state; a state that can
easily be achieved by just seeing marriage for what it really is: a means of
attaining physical, emotional and spiritual tranquility through the loving and
merciful companionship of a spouse.
